


Up To No Good

by lunasenzanotte



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, Argentina National Team, Denmark National Team, Hogwarts, Magic, Multi, Potions, Quidditch, Uruguay National Team, Wizarding World, Wizards
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-29
Updated: 2015-06-03
Packaged: 2018-03-20 07:17:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 20,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3641484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunasenzanotte/pseuds/lunasenzanotte
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Uruguay NT goes to Hogwarts. Bonus points for the Portugal NT as Slytherin, Denmark NT as Ravenclaw, Argentina NT as Hufflepuff and various La Roja and Albion players/wags as the teachers, plus Maradona as the Flying teacher. I think I said enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Day at Hogwarts

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this was something I used to write ages ago as a form of stress relief, and I'm kind of sorry it was never finished. Maybe this will help me finish it one day.
> 
> Also, don't take it seriously, don't kill me if you find it being totally stupid and if you're looking for something meaningful with a developed plot and deep characters, just please leave before your brain suffers a permanent damage, okay? I care about your health, I really do.

It’s Diego Lugano’s first day as Prefect and he already wishes they never appointed him. He's managed not to lose any of the first-year students on their way to their House, which is good, but half of them are now crying that the password is impossible to remember (if he’s to be honest, the person who made “Beckenbauer” the password must be mentally ill – alright, it’s one of the former headmasters, but who can remember such a name?), two suitcases are missing, Luis Suárez’s crazy owl is attacking everyone who crosses its way and Diego is trying really hard to pretend that he doesn’t see that there is something going on between Godín, Cáceres and Muslera.

“Come on, Martín, where is it?” Diego Godín is almost crying now.

“What?” Martín asks.

“Martín! Come on, it’s not funny!”

Martín spreads his arms. “What did I do?” he asks, his laughter revealing that he knows very well what they’re talking about, and Nando practically crying on his shoulder doesn’t help with faking innocence either.

“Give it back to him!” Diego Forlán orders. “Don’t be childish!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

Alright, now Diego can no longer pretend that it’s not happening. “What is it?” he asks.

Everyone goes quiet. After all, not only is he a Prefect, he’s also the Captain of Gryffindor Quidditch team, the teachers like him and the students respect him (and also envy him a bit, mainly because he’s dating Karina who is not only older than him, but she’s the Head Girl and the daughter of the Head of Department of Magical Games and Sports – no, that’s NOT why Diego is dating her).

“It’s my toad,” Godín sniffles. “They stole it and don’t want to give it back to me!”

“We didn’t steal it, it just hopped into our compartment on the train!” Martín objects.

“Fine, give it back to him!” Diego says.

Martín pulls the toad out of his pocket with a groan and gives it back to Godín. Diego breathes a sigh of relief and heads to deal with Suárez’s crazy owl.

“But… it’s violet!” Godín cries. “It wasn’t violet before!”

Diego shoots a look at Martín.

“It will fade!” Martín says. “I think so.”

“It’s still prettier like this!” Nando adds.

“I hate you!” Godín yells at them and runs to the bedroom with his now violet toad.

By the time the first-year students are in their bedroom, Diego is completely exhausted. Karina is yelling out of the window at some Slytherin students who decided to celebrate the first day at Hogwarts with an illegal firework. “Coentrão, Pereira, Veloso, your Head of House will hear about this!”

And just as the firework is over and everything is quiet (except for some rustling from the corner where Forlán is flipping through his new books, trying to study in advance as much as he can for tomorrow’s lessons), an explosion sounds from the first-year bedroom and in the very next moment, Walter Gargano and Edinson Cavani run into the common room in their pajamas.

“What was that?” Diego asks them.

“Coates was trying to turn Lodeiro’s bed into a bigger one!” Walter reports to him.

“While Lodeiro was still in it,” Edi adds.

“But it flew out of the window instead.”

“So it’s under the window?” Diego asks, beyond worried.

“No, it’s still flying out there,” Edi says.

Diego exchanges terrified looks with Karina. “Fine. I’m going to find our Head of House and inform him that there’s a bed with a student  _hopefully_  still in it flying on the school grounds. You two return to your bedroom, and tell everyone that if someone pulls out a wand, I’m going to have them expelled before the first lesson starts tomorrow!” he says.

“Better get Nurse Shakira as well,” Karina reminds him. “If the bed flies into the Whamping Willow…”

Diego sighs deeply. “And to think that I was so excited about becoming a Prefect,” he says before heading out of the room.


	2. Charms Lesson

During the breakfast everyone discusses the events of the previous night. Karina reported the three Slytherin students responsible for the firework to their Head of House, José Mourinho, who is also the Potions teacher (yes, everyone is looking forward to their first lesson tomorrow). Veloso and Pereira swore that it was all Cristiano Ronaldo’s idea, while Coentrão kept hissing “Cris will kill us!” at them. The bed with Lodeiro was found in the Forbidden Forest by Professor Villa, and after Nurse Shakira took care of some minor scratches Lodeiro had, he was quite fine and even told his classmates that it was cool to fly around Hogwarts.

Diego is so exhausted that he almost ends up face-first in his porridge when he falls asleep. Karina quickly transforms the bowl into a pillow and continues to read the Daily Prophet.

“I swear, after this thing I’m going to do, Ronaldo won’t want to appear in public for some time!” Martín tells his friends after carefully checking that Diego is indeed asleep. “That’s for last year when he ratted on us and told Carroll that we copied our History of Magic essays from the old numbers of the Daily Prophet.”

“What do we need for it?” Nando asks.

“A few things. We’ll need to hop to Hogsmeade for it, though.”

Nando frowns. “But the first visit is before Halloween. You want to wait for so long?”

“Of course not,” Martín winks. “We know the secret way, so we’ll go there when the time is right.”

“And that will be when?”

“During the Flying lesson on Wednesday,” Martín grins. “Once Aguirregaray starts falling off the broomstick, Maradona will be too busy to notice that we’re gone!”

Matías opens his mouth to defend himself, but decides against it because arguing with the school’s Quidditch stars when you want to get on the team one day is not the best thing to do. After all, he’s determined to improve this year, and he will also go to the team try-out because he knows that two positions will be available this year after Pérez and Abreu left.

And they will see he’s not that bad. But he still makes a note in his mind to ask Professor Maradona for a few private lessons, or at least a permission to practice flying after school. He doesn’t want to end up accidentally flying into Professor Mourinho’s office through an open window, as it happened to him last year.

The detention Mourinho gave him will stay carved in his memory forever.

***

Their first lesson is Charms, and as they expected, Professor Gerrard starts off with “a little examination to refresh your minds”. Luckily they have this lesson together with Ravenclaw who are much better students (okay, they are mostly nerds) than them, and if necessary, they can always count on Forlán who knows simply everything.

Gerrard is trying to get the spell which would turn objects into birds out of Simon Kjaer when a third-year student from Hufflepuff enters the classroom. “Excuse me, Professor, but Professor Guardiola asked me to tell everyone that the Care of Magical Creatures classes are postponed until they find a new teacher, because Professor Rooney still hasn’t turned up and they think that he was indeed eaten by the Acromantulas,” she says.

“Thank you, Miss Roccuzzo!” Gerrard says. “It’s very sad.”

The girl nods, even though she doesn’t seem to be saddened by the fact that Rooney was likely eaten by giant spiders, and is about to leave the classroom.

“I know, I know!” Simon Kjaer says suddenly. “I remembered the spell! Ducklifors!”

The class bursts out with laughter as where the Hufflepuff student had been standing is now a tiny yellow duck.

“You’re only lucky that technically a duck is also a bird, Mr. Kjaer!” Gerrard says and turns the duck back into a girl.

He then decides that it was enough for the start and decides to introduce a new spell. Everyone quietly thanks Kjaer, only the girls still can’t get over the Hufflepuff girl.

“It was Antonella Roccuzzo,” Sofia whispers to one of her friends. “She’s dating Messi, the Hufflepuff Seeker!”

“Nice, Messi is dating a duck!” Luis hisses at her.

“Get over it, jealous man!” she hisses back.

The lesson ends when Daniel Agger decides to secretly use the Erecto spell on a certain part of Professor Gerrard’s body and Simon Kjaer, in a desperate attempt to save them all from being expelled from Hogwarts, shouts “Expelliarmus!” so loudly that not only Agger’s wand, but his whole desk flies across the classroom.

“I got a feeling that the lessons with Ravenclaw will be the better ones!” Martín grins at Nando.


	3. Potions & Defence Against the Dark Arts

The Potions lesson is as terrible as they expected. Mourinho has them prepare Strengthening Solution which is quite tricky, and the fact that they have this lesson together with Slytherin doesn’t help. Mainly because it’s the lesson where Slytherin are the most likely to get points, and Gryffindor most likely to lose some.

Professor Mourinho looks at Cristiano Ronaldo’s dragon heart and smiles approvingly. “Very well cut. Five points for Slytherin!”

“Because he can hold a knife?” Nando protest before he really thinks of the consequences.

“Do you have a problem there, Mr. Muslera?” Mourinho asks in a dangerous voice.

“Eh… no.”

As Mourinho goes to check on Veloso’s potion, Nando shakes his head. “So unfair.”

“Take it from this point of view,” Martín says. “Holding a knife may look like an easy task for you, but for the Slytherins, Ronaldo proves to be a genius.”

Suddenly, a half of Diego’s dragon heart slips from underneath his knife and with a quiet splash disappears in Coentrão’s potion. He doesn’t notice, because he’s busy staring at Ronaldo stirring his potion like it is the most wonderful thing on Earth.

It’s José Mourinho who finds out, in a rather unpleasant way. As he stirs Coentrão’s potion, an explosion occurs and the whole pot of greenish liquid splashes in Mourinho’s face. Coentrão watches him completely mortified, Irina Shayk is trying to get the green stains from her robe, and the Gryffindor students try hard not to fall into their potions.

“I… said… half… of… the… dragon… heart!” Mourinho says through gritted teeth, the rests of potion dripping from his hair.

“But… Professor, I did use…” Coentrão starts.

“You probably used the whole dragon!” Mourinho shouts. “Twenty points from Slytherin!”

Coentrão is close to crying, mainly because Ronaldo is now really mad at him for losing points for their house.

“I’ve always said that you belonged in Hufflepuff,” Mourinho mutters as he’s drying himself with the help of his wand. “I don’t know if the sorting hat was drunk or what when it sent you to Slytherin, but I’ll have a word with it once I’m in Guardiola’s office!”

At that point Coentrão runs away from the classroom and they find him on their way to Defence Against the Dark Arts, shaking in the arms of Ángel di María from Hufflepuff, asking him over and over again: “Do you think he will really talk to the sorting hat? He can’t! He can’t talk to the sorting hat!”  

***

The new teacher for Defence Against the Dark Arts is waiting for them outside, which is more than welcome, as the dungeon they usually have their lessons in still smells of that terrible thing Professor Torres used against a boggart last year. Of course it didn’t work, but it smelled horrible.

They have this lesson together with Slytherin as well, and they only hope that the new teacher will be more immune to Ronaldo’s charms than Professor Torres was. Otherwise they risk losing points even for looking at Ronaldo in a mean way.

“I’m Professor Silva and I’ll have you for Defence Against the Dark Arts,” the teacher says. “This year, and hopefully also the next.” 

The students don’t react. They stare at the unnaturally big rat in the cage at Silva’s feet.

 “So, I’ve been told that Professor Torres showed you two of the three Unforgivable Curses last year,” Silva says. “But not the third one.”

“Thank God, he’d probably kill himself!” Diego mumbles. “And I’m not sure this one will be better.”

“Come on, he’s cute!” Sofia says.

“Alright, you should all see it, but never use it, unless you want to end up in Azkaban!” Silva says and opens the cage. The rat runs out, making Irina Shayk scream and hide behind Ronaldo, and heads towards the Forbidden Forest. Silva watches it for a few moments before lifting his wand. “Avada kedavra!”

The students stare at the dead rat and then at Professor Silva.

“Not so cute, when I think about it now!” Sofia says.

Diego Godín is again close to crying. He’s always sensitive when it comes to hurting animals. “Could we bury it?” he asks Silva in a small voice, motioning to the dead rat.

“Why?” Silva gives him a confused look and points his wand at the rat. “Evanesco!”

The rat disappears. Godín bursts out in tears and runs away.

“If only he wanted to mistake Messi for a rat one day,” Ronaldo whispers to Pereira.

Silva turns to them with his wand still ready. “Did you say something?” he asks.

Ronaldo and Pereira gulp, their eyes on the wand. “N-nothing!”

“Fine,” Silva says and hides his wand. “For the next lesson, I want two pages on the Unforgivable Curses and why you cannot use them.”

Everyone lets out an annoyed sigh, except of Forlán who immediately makes a note in his magical agenda which starts screaming whenever he forgets something (preferably it starts screaming at midnight, waking the whole house up). They find Godín on their way back to the castle. Apparently he bumped into the Hufflepuff students who were heading to their lesson.

“Come on,” Ezequiel Lavezzi tries to comfort him. “It was just a rat.”

“It must have been really ugly, better that it’s dead!” Gonzalo Higuaín says.

“It was an animal,” Godín sobs. “And he killed it! And then made it disappear! I don’t like him!”

Forlán exchanges a few words with Kun Agüero, while Godín seems to have found a kindred soul in Messi, who now says that “if he’s going to be killing something, I’m skipping this lesson”.

“But wait… he didn’t have any other rat, did he?” Veloso says suddenly.

“No,” Ronaldo says, smirking at Messi and other Hufflepuff students. “I think he will use something else this time. For example a flea.”

Messi frowns at him and heads to the lesson, only slightly nervous. Ronaldo and Veloso high-five, while Coentrão dares to say: “Nice one, Cris!” but hides behind the others immediately as Ronaldo gives him a death-stare. It will take some time for him to make up for the twenty points. 

***

During the dinner, Professor Villa, the Transformation teacher, congratulates Silva on successfully scaring the whole fifth-year to the point that they were quiet during his own lesson, which is more than welcome, and asks if he could possibly stick with Unforgivable Curses the whole year. José Mourinho is talking very vividly to Professor Guardiola, the Headmaster, and from his motions and the looks he shoots in Coentrão’s direction it’s clear what they’re talking about. Professor Gerrard reminds Agger and Kjaer about their detention which they are supposed to start after dinner.

Suddenly the door opens and Joe Hart, the caretaker, runs to the teachers’ table. “I’m sorry to interrupt, Professor,” he tells Guardiola, a bit out of breath. “But the sorting hat is missing from your office!”

 


	4. The Flying Lesson

Professor Maradona is a living legend of Quidditch, which of course can’t stop the students from mocking him. Truth is that he's gained some weight since his professional career ended, and Martín and Nando once tied another broom to his, claiming that the broom needed some “support engine” because of Maradona’s weight.

“Students!” he welcomes them. “Get your brooms ready. The advanced ones will have some warm-up rounds around the Astronomy Tower, while I explain the basics to the beginners, alright?”

Everyone nods and prepares their brooms. Lionel Messi is in the air before Maradona is even done speaking, while Ezequiel Lavezzi asks if he could try the flips he’s learned during the summer. Matías Aguirregaray is all pale and nervous when he’s getting ready.

“He said the beginners were this way!” Martín tells Matías and motions to the first-year students.

Matías’ face turns red and he disappears to the back of the group of Gryffindor and Hufflepuff students. They make the first two rounds and as they fly past the ground, Martín notices that Maradona is chasing Walter Gargano, whose broom went crazy, while the rest of the first-year students watch him in awe.

“Now!” Martín shouts at Nando and they fly inside the castle.

They quickly hide their brooms and head to the secret passageway that leads to Hogsmeade.

“We don’t have much time, so we’ll have to go there again next week as we won’t manage to get everything!” Martín says.

“Fine. Watch out for Hart, he’s been sniffing around the castle since yesterday,” Nando whispers. “He’s looking for the sorting hat.”

They enter the passageway and run to Hodsmeade. When they reach the Honeydukes storage room, Nando can’t resist stealing some Chocolate Frogs, Liquorice Wands and Acid Pops. Martín practically has to pull him away from there. By the time they reach Zonko’s Joke Shop, they only have a couple of minutes left, so they’re lucky that Martín knows exactly what they want. Nando immediately figures out from the products what the prank will be, and notes that “it will be nasty”.

When they return to Hogwarts, they hide all their stuff in one of the many hideouts Martín has, grab the brooms and head out of the castle. Then they freeze. Professor Maradona is standing in the passage. “This way, gentlemen!” he says and motions towards his office.

***

Diego Lugano runs into the common room and finds Martín and Nando in the corner. “I will turn you into turnips!” he yells at them. “You’re suspended for the whole Quidditch season before the season even started!”

Martín and Nando shrink in their chairs. The whole House seems to be really upset, probably except of Matías for whom it means that there are now FOUR positions available in the team. But Karina already gave them a scolding (mainly because she’s the substitute Keeper and she’s quite happy with just sitting on the bench, and the vision of having to spend the match in the wind and rain on the pitch again after two years is a nightmare for her), Forlán told them the obvious – they deserved it, and how come they didn’t think about the team and blah blah blah, and even Sofia, Luis’ girlfriend, told them that they were idiots.

“We’d make it, if that idiot Lavezzi didn’t fall into the lake during one of his flips, which made Maradona wonder how many students were already in the lake and he started to count them!” Nando mutters.

Diego sighs. Truth is that the two have been disappearing to Hogsmeade every now and then and nothing happened so far. But he’s responsible for the team, and if Slytherin wins the Cup for the third year in a row, he’s screwed. Not even mentioning that if he wants to get on the national Quidditch team, he has to have some results, otherwise not even Karina’s father will get him there. “I’m not going to lose the Cup this year!” Diego says. “Get up, we’re going to try something!”

“But if we talk to Maradona, he will probably extend it to two seasons!” Nando objects.

“We’re not going to talk to Maradona!” Diego says. “We’re going to Silva.”

***

Dealing with their Head of House is not Diego’s favorite thing to do. It was easy when Professor Tabárez was the Head of House, but since he’s retired, for some reason the school decided to appoint the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher as Head of House for Gryffindor, which means that they change every year. Last year under Professor Torres was hell, as the only thing he did really well was to make sure his picture was in every bedroom of the House. Diego only hopes Professor Silva has more common sense.

“If Professor Maradona said you were suspended, I can’t overrule it!” Silva says when they explain themselves.

“But you’re the Head of Gryffindor, not Maradona!” Nando yells.

“ _Professor_  Maradona,” Silva reminds him. “And he was right about your punishment for leaving not only his lesson, but the whole _school_!”

“But we got the detention, all right!” Martín protests. “But what does it have to do with Quidditch?”

“Come on, Professor Maradona only wants to see them suspended because he wants his Hufflepuff to win!” Diego says. “Please. We can’t play without our Keeper and our second best Beater.”

“Who said I was the second best?” Martín turns to him.

“I’m the best Beater!” Diego says calmly. “Don’t argue with the Captain.”

“Fine, I’ll speak to the Headmaster,” Silva says. “I can’t promise anything, though.”

Diego breathes a sigh of relief. That already sounds better. Maybe it could be suspension for just one match. They could live with one loss, if they win all the other matches…

“Just because I like Quidditch and I want you to win the Cup. Professor Villa’s been mocking me since the year started that Gryffindor will never win it. But I’m still mad at you, all right?”

They all nod and head to the door.

“He’s quite nice,” Martín notes when they’re going back to the House.

“Yep, nice for a werewolf,” Nando grins.

Diego and Martín stop and look at him. “WHAT?”

“I can recognize a werewolf when I see one,” Nando says calmly. “My uncle was a werewolf.”

“Great,” Diego sighs. “We’re fifty points down to Slytherin in the School Cup, we practically don’t have a Qudditch team and our Head of House is a werewolf. This will be a year to remember.”


	5. The Quidditch Try-out

During the History of Magic lesson, Martín works on the new plan to get to Hogsmeade for the remaining supplies they need for the ultimate prank they want to pull at Ronaldo, while Diego works on their new tactics for the match against Ravenclaw – a bit too early as he doesn’t even have the team complete, but he better be prepared. Nobody minds that they’re not paying attention. Professor Carroll probably hates History of Magic even more than they do, so he just indicates the pages they have to study and then spends the lesson flipping through a catalogue of magical hair products.

“Mr. Muslera!” Carroll says suddenly. “If you want to eat the Fudge Flies in my class, I’m okay with it, but it would be polite to offer me one!”

The class laughs.

“Sorry, Professor,” Nando says and pushes the box to their teacher.

The class is interrupted one more time by Joe Hart and his search army consisting of selected students (of course there’s Ronaldo) and a Ministry of Magic employee, Frank Lampard. They try a few search methods and after concluding that the sorting hat isn’t in the room, leave again.  

***

On their way to the Charms lesson, Diego stops to check the points, and can’t believe his eyes. “When did we lose twenty points?” he asks Karina, who’s passing them by with a stack of books in her hands.

“I’ve been told it happened during the first-year’s Divination lesson,” Karina sighs.

Nobody really likes Divination, but at least Professor Carbonero is quite nice and easy on the eye and mainly the first-year students constantly ask her to look into their crystal ball or cup, only to get her closer to them. He can’t imagine what would have to happen for her docking points.

“What happened?”

“Walter Gargano spilled his whole tea cup on Professor Carbonero, apparently!” Karina says.

Diego groans. If they keep losing points like this, they’ll never win the School Cup. Mainly when Mourinho keeps giving points to Ronaldo even for  _breathing_. He’s already got used to Martín and Nando constantly losing points for them, but if even the first-year students start with it, and on top of everything with teachers like Carbonero, they can really just call it quits.

Luckily Forlán gets ten points for answering Professor Gerrard’s question right during Charms, and Martín surprises Professor Villa when he transforms a rat into a cup that doesn’t even have fur. Professor Villa mumbles something in the sense of “if only you used your skills for something useful” and gives Gryffindor ten points.

Diego still goes to talk to Gargano after dinner.

“It wasn’t my fault!” Walter objects. “Edi scared me!”

“I saw something scary!” Edi defends himself.

“Where?” Diego asks. “In your tea cup? Come on, nobody ever sees  _anything_  there!”

“I did!”

“He probably saw You-Know-Who bathing in the tea,” Nando rolls his eyes. “Leave him alone, he’s mental.”

Edi gives him a death stare and then narrows his eyes. “You know, you should watch out for things that fall from above,” he says.

“Yeah, like snow, I’ll watch out for it in December, thanks!” Nando laughs.

The next day when Luis’ owl drops the Daily Prophet on his head he remembers the prophecy, but shakes his head afterwards. Some stupid first-year student won’t tell him when and what will fall on his head.

***

The try-out for the free positions in the team is a catastrophe. Luckily Professor Silva managed to persuade the Headmaster to lift the suspension and make it three detentions instead, so Diego doesn’t have to worry about the Beaters nor the Keeper. But even though he has two good Chasers (well, Forlán sometimes forgets who the Captain is and Diego has to remind him that it’s  _him_ doing the tactics and pre-match speeches, but he is a great Chaser), he still needs someone for Pérez, and the biggest worry is finding a good Seeker. Abreu was no wonder, but Diego knows that Hufflepuff has Messi, Slytherin has obviously Ronaldo, and even Ravenclaw, who are the underdogs, got this Bendtner.

Luckily Sofia offers herself as the third Chaser (okay, Luis forces her into it a little bit) and she seems to be really good. That only leaves the Seeker position empty.

Diego tries a few students, among who is of course Matías, and this time he’s really not that bad, he manages to stay on the broomstick and even dodges the bludger Martín sends at him, but then he gets distracted and flies into the tribunes. Karina sighs and goes to rescue him. 

Diego considers calling his grandmother and disguising her as a student, because even she would be a better Seeker than the ones here. There are only the first-year students waiting.

“Mr. Inner Eye, come on!” Diego says and beckons Edi who is watching Matías desperately trying to get back on his broom with a slight smile. “Just remember that you have to use your normal eyes here, alright?”

After a few minutes Diego states that at least this one can fly, and when Edi brings him back the golden snitch, Diego would kiss him if Karina and half of the Gryffindor house weren’t there.

“Listen, you lot! Our first practice is on Saturday, and the first match will be against Ravenclaw. It should be the easiest match of the season so we have to win it and get the points!” Diego says. “Put in other words, Silva said that if we lose after all the effort he’s put into talking Guardiola out of suspending two of our players, he will make sure all our detentions for the rest of the year are with Mourinho.”

“That guy’s tough,” Martín says and Nando lets out a wolf’s howl.

“What was that?” Luis asks.

“Oh, nothing!” Nando grins. “Well, we already had one detention with Mourinho, I’m actually looking forward to the one with Carroll, at least he won’t ask us to clean the pots with remains of old potions, ugh.”

“The worst ones were with Torres, remember, Nando?” Martín says.

“Oh, damn, those were terrible!”

“Why? What did he do?” Edi asks.

“Tried on different robes and asked you to tell him which one looked best!” Nando says.

“He looked terrible in every single one,” Martín adds.

“That pink one ruled, though.”

As they head to the common room, Professor Silva comes out of his office. “Oh, you two,” he says and points at Martín and Nando. “Professor Carroll will be busy tomorrow, so your detention will be with me.”

Nando and Martín exchange terrified looks when he’s gone.

“Well, thank you for telling us before we go to bed!” Nando gulps. “I’ll sure sleep well tonight.”


	6. The Sorting Hat

Martín and Nando look really nervous in the Charms lesson, as in the evening they have their detention with Professor Silva.

“Maybe he’ll turn into a cute wolf puppy and you’ll have to scratch him behind his ears,” Diego tries to cheer them up.

“Haha. Funny!” Nando rolls his eyes and gives Diego an elbow to the ribs.

Professor Gerrard is luckily too busy putting out the flames that are spreading from Krohn-Dehli’s wand. “I said ‘light’, not ‘flames’, Mr. Krohn-Dehli!” he growls when finally Krohn-Dehli’s wand stops producing sparkles. “It’s the simplest thing! Even the first-year students know it!”

Luis and Diego roll their eyes at Forlán, who is frantically waving his hand in the air. Gerrard seems to be relieved that at least someone follows the lesson.

“Yes, Mr. Forlán?”

“Lumos!” Forlán says and looks at his wand incredulously. Nothing happens. Forlán’s face turns red. It’s the first time something doesn’t work for him, and it’s the simplest spell of them all, he feels like the biggest failure. “Lumos!” he repeats. “What-“

Professor Gerrard looks around, rather amused. “Who is so good at the Finite Incantatem spell here that they negate Mr. Forlán’s efforts?”

Simon Kjaer raises his hand and hides his wand with a guilty smile.

“Five points for Ravenclaw, for this awesome joke. This is what I call intelligent humor!”

The Ravenclaw students cheer while Forlán looks like a volcano about to erupt.

“And of course five points for Gryffindor, because Mr. Forlán knew the answer.”

It calms Forlán down at least a little bit. Professor Gerrard starts explaining a new spell when some noise from the corridor interrupts him. The door flies open and Walter Gargano runs into the classroom.

“What is this?” Professor Gerrard asks, rather irritated.

“Professor… we had our Care of Magical Creatures lesson with the new teacher, Professor Puyol… and he was showing us fire crabs, but they somehow got angry and escaped and now they’re setting the Great Hall on fire!” Walter says out of breath.

“What – there are fire crabs in the castle?” Gerrard yells.

“Yes, about fifty of them.”

“And where’s Professor Puyol?”

“He said he was going to find the other fifty that escaped to the greenhouses, because Professor Alonso would kill him if they burned his Mandrakes.”

Professor Gerrard and the fifth-year students rush to the Great Hall where a few first-year students from Gryffindor and Hufflepuff are trying to deal with the fire crabs. Javier Pastore is trying to hit them with the Freezing Charm, Nicolás Lodeiro is trying to douse the flames using the Aquamenti charm and Edi is standing on one of the tables using the Stunning Charm on them. It still looks like the fire crabs are winning this war.

Professor Gerrard makes the crab that’s coming to him disappear while Daniel Agger kicks two of the fire crabs out of the window without using any magic. Unfortunately Luis, for the lack of ideas, uses the Wingardium Leviosa spell on two crabs and the charmed crabs use the opportunity to set Christian Eriksen’s robe on fire from above. Simon Kjaer douses the flames, hits the crabs with the Freezing Charm and calls Luis an idiot. Martín, whose specialty is Transformation, keeps turning the crabs into water goblets. In about ten minutes the crabs are gone.

“That’s all for today,” Professor Gerrard says, wiping sweat off his forehead. “Five points for each of the first-year students who were fighting the crabs, well done. Now excuse me while I go to kill Professor Puyol!”

***

Professor Silva is waiting for Martín and Nando in front of the Great Hall entrance. “Well, so for your detention… Mr. Hart still hasn’t found the sorting hat, and there is basically the last place they haven’t searched through,” Silva says.

“Mourinho’s office!” Nando guesses. “No way someone would go there!”

“Or that he would let someone in,” Martín nods.

“Professor Mourinho’s office was searched by Professor Guardiola himself,” Silva says calmly. “Yes, he wasn’t too happy about it, but the loss of the sorting hat immediately concerns everyone in this school. The problem is that nobody’s searched the Forbidden Forest yet, and Mr. Hart refuses to go there as he’s concerned for his own safety.”

“I’m not surprised,” Martín says. “After Rooney was eaten by the Acromantulas and well, also what happened to Torres…”

“If it really happened,” Nando pouts.

“Yep. I still don’t believe he was raped by unicorns. Can’t be true.”

“Exactly. I mean, why would the unicorns do that? He was not THAT pretty.”

“Now, boys, that’s enough!” Professor Silva says, trying to hide his smile. “We’ll simply go to the Forbidden Forest and look for the sorting hat.”

As they pass the hut in which Professor Puyol is staying, they can hear the voices of Professor Gerrard and Professor Guardiola.

“First-year students, Professor, and you left them there with the fire crabs! Next time please show them something safer or make sure it doesn’t escape!”

***

The Forest is calm when they enter it.

“You’re not afraid, Professor?” Nando asks.

“Of what? Being raped by unicorns?” Silva chuckles. “No, Mr. Muslera, I am not.”

“What about the Acromantulas?” Martín asks.

“I don’t believe the person who stole the sorting hat would hide it close to the place where the Acromantulas live and survive. And as nobody is missing…”

Suddenly three centaurs appear in front of them.

“Hi, Xavi!” Silva greets one of them casually. “We’re looking for the sorting hat, it’s missing from the castle. I wonder if you’ve seen anything?”

The centaur points to one tree. The sorting hat is hanging from one branch.

“Oh!” Silva says and uses the Accio spell to claim it. “Did you see who put it there?”

“Some blonde human did!” Xavi says.

“You mean a student?”

“Yes. I think he was from Slytherin. He put it there and ran away.”

“Coentrão!” Martín says. “He seemed to be obsessed with the sorting hat for some reason.”

“By the way, what about Professor Torres?” the centaur says. “The unicorns keep asking about him.”

Nando’s eyes go wide while Martín almost dies of laughter.

“He doesn’t work here anymore,” Silva replies calmly. “Now if you excuse us, we have to bring the sorting hat to the Headmaster.”

The centaurs disappear in the forest.

“Well, I hope you will behave now,” Silva says. “Otherwise you know what your next detention will be. Someone has to check on the unicorns from time to time.”


	7. A Badly Chosen Password

“HOW DARE YOU STEAL THE SORTING HAT?”

Fábio has never thought anyone could be scarier than angry Professor Mourinho, but angry Professor Guardiola comes really, really close. 

“I… I just…” He takes a look around. Professor Guardiola is practically red with anger. Professor Mourinho is standing in the corner with his arms folded, and doesn’t look like he wants to protect Fábio, even though he’s from his house. There is also Professor Silva who found the hat, and Professor Carroll, who apparently came just out of curiosity.

“The sorting hat is a part of the history of Hogwarts!” Guardiola shouts. “And you dared to steal it from my office and hang it on a branch in the Forbidden Forest like it was an old piece of cloth you use for cleaning your cauldron! How did you get into my office anyways?”

“I… I knew the password!” Fábio manages.

“How so?”

“Everyone knows it, Sir, it’s Visca Barça. Just Cristiano says we must never say it.”

Professor Carroll laughs out loud but stops when Guardiola shoots a look at him. Mourinho frowns and Silva keeps petting Guardiola’s phoenix absent-mindedly.

“Why on Earth did you steal it?” Carroll asks.

“I was afraid of it!” Fábio whispers.

“Afraid of the sorting hat?”

“I… I was afraid it might say… when Professor Mourinho said he wanted to talk to it about me belonging to Hufflepuff, I was afraid it might say I…”

“Wait!” Guardiola says. “Did you influence the sorting hat in any way during the sorting ceremony?”

“Um… yes,” Fábio admits. “I… Cris said if I really concentrated on my… bad side… that it would send me to Slytherin. So I kind of… thought about…”

“Thought about what?”

“Well, I…” Fábio gulps. “I thought about You-Know-Who, and…”

Guardiola screams and makes a movement like he wants to tear his hair out, but then remembers he doesn’t have any.

“Wait!” Silva says quietly and finally stops petting the phoenix. “It’s nonsense. The sorting hat wouldn’t have sent him to Slytherin just because he was thinking about Ribéry.”

Everyone in the room jumps up.

“You… you dare speak his name?” Carroll hisses.

“Why, of course,” Silva shrugs. “I think there is only one thing you should punish him for, and it’s stealing the hat. Leave the sorting ceremony alone. The hat sent him to Slytherin probably because he wanted to go there so much… for whatever reason.”

Fábio thinks about whether falling to Professor Silva’s feet and kissing the hem of his robe would look too ridiculous.

“Fine,” Guardiola says. “Five detentions, no Hogsmeade visits and no Quid-“

“Excuse me, Professor,” Mourinho interrupts him. “I thought we dropped the Quidditch suspensions, or at least I remember certain students had their bans lifted.” He frowns at Silva who returns his stare calmly.

“Alright, forget the one about Quidditch. But you’ll be helping Professor Puyol with feeding the flobberworms every afternoon.”

Fábio could die of happiness. He’s not expelled from Hogwarts, he’s staying with Cris… eh, he meant to say he’s staying in Slytherin, and he can still play Quidditch with Cris… and the rest of the Slytherin team of course! He doesn’t know who to thank first.

“And of course fifty points from Slytherin!” Guardiola adds.

No, he’s not expelled. It’s worse. Now he’s dead.

***

The Gryffindor team is getting changed for their practice. Edi arrives late, carrying some books and a stack of tarot cards.

“Sorry, I was seeing Professor Carbonero!” he says.

Diego looks at the others and they roll their eyes. Edi spends practically every afternoon in Professor Carbonero’s office and once he gets back to the common room, he shoots predictions at everyone who comes near him (while nobody asks for it, of course).

“Fine. If you predicted that we will lose to Ravenclaw, you were probably right, because we still haven’t had a proper training!” Diego snaps. “Luis, what is your owl doing here?”

“I don’t know, it just followed me!” Luis shrugs. “I can’t really tell it not to, you know.”

Diego decides that he has the worst team someone ever had to captain: the two prime troublemakers, a nerd, a Chaser with a crazy owl, his girlfriend and a Divination-obsessed Seeker. If he manages to win the Cup with this team, he simply has to get a place in the national Quidditch team.

***

On their way back from the practice, they meet the Slytherin team. Ronaldo is showing off his brand new broom, Nimbus 2030, while the rest of the team watches him with respect and Coentrão runs after him like a puppy and begs: “Cris, can I touch it? Please, I won’t damage it, I’ll just touch it!”

“Well, that complicates the situation,” Luis says. “I have a Cleansweep 20 and I used to feel like a king.”

“That he has a good broom doesn’t mean he can’t fall off it,” Diego says.

“Yeah. Or it could disappear under him. You know that lately things have been disappearing,” Martín grins.

“Problem is that Coentrão can steal the sorting hat, but he wouldn’t steal Ronaldo’s broom!” Luis says.

“Calm down, they still play two matches before they play against us, and if his broom survives Agger, then I’ll really start to worry!” Diego says.

***

When they reach the common room, it’s almost time for dinner.

“I still don’t have the essay for the Defense Against the Dark Arts,” Martín sighs.

“I already have it,” Forlán says.

“We know, you wrote it the same day when Silva gave it to us,” Martín rolls his eyes.

“It’s fine, we won’t have to hand it in next week,” Nando grins. “It’s full moon!”

***

Mourinho seems like he's determined to get Slytherin their points back as fast as possible, but unfortunately the Slytherins don’t give him many opportunities to give them points, and they already lost ten more during their History of Magic lesson when Professor Carroll was in a bad mood because it was raining and the humidity ruined his hair that day.

And it’s clear that Mourinho doesn’t have his best day either.

“You’re useless and stupid, all of you!” he hisses when they all fail to answer his questions about the Sleeping Potion (while he pretends that he doesn’t see Forlán’s hand in the air). “Of course you’re an exception, Cristiano!”

Ronaldo lets out a sigh of relief. 

“So today your task is to brew the Sleeping Potion. And I remind you to work more carefully than last time, because this time you will try your Sleeping Potion on your partner.”

He clearly is in a very bad mood.

“Sorry if it kills you!” Diego tells Godín when he hands him his potion.

Luis and Sofia exchange their potions like Romeo and Juliet, while Coentrão prefers to drop his potion than to risk that he would poison Ronaldo. Ronaldo on the contrary doesn’t seem to be too concerned for Coentrão’s health when he hands him his potion.

Luckily nobody dies and as Mourinho gives them all some antidote, they manage to go to the next lesson. However, during Professor Mourinho’s next lesson, Professor Maradona and Professor Gerrard walk in and ask him how he can explain that all the Gryffindor and Slytherin students fell asleep during their lessons. Maradona adds that luckily it was before they got on their brooms. Gerrard threatens with telling Guardiola, and they leave the classroom.

All the sleeping students are taken to the hospital wing where Nurse Shakira says that the best thing to do will be to let them sleep it off. As soon as she’s gone, Martín leaps out of the bed and shakes Nando. Nando’s eyes fly open and they exchange satisfied grins.

“She’s gone!” Martín whispers. “We have enough time to go to Hogsmeade!”

 


	8. First Match

Martín and Nando organize a little party to celebrate everyone’s survival of Mourinho’s lesson. Of course the sweets from Honeydukes and some Butterbeer can’t be missing.

“How did you do it?” Luis asks, munching on his fifth Liquorice Wand.

“You don’t really think that I would drink Nando’s potion, do you?” Martín grins.

“Or that I would drink yours!” Nando snaps. “That would be clear suicide.”

“The most important thing is that we have all we need for our ultimate prank on Ronaldo,” Martín says contentedly and takes one Chocolate Frog. “Uh… anyone wants a Beckham card? I’m sick of them already, they’re in every second packet.”

Nobody says anything.

“Thought so!” Martín says and throws it into the fireplace.

 ***

As expected, the Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson is cancelled. Martín and Nando use the free time to go to the Room of Requirement to work on their prank, Diego spends it working on the fifth variation of tactics against Ravenclaw and Forlán studies for the Herbology test that was announced for next month, because it’s never too early to start revising.

As they go to the Care of Magical Creatures lesson later that day, they see Edi returning from the Divination lesson, with a bunch of girls around him – some of them even from the higher years. They look very impressed, almost close to fainting, and make high-pitched noises every time he speaks a word.

“You know, guys,” Nando says. “I’m starting to suspect that Cavani is faking his Inner Eye to get chicks.”

Luis and Martín nod thoughtfully. “Definitely.”

*** 

The match with Ravenclaw is the first match of the season, so everyone’s looking forward to it. Diego Godín is sporting something that looks like a pajama in the colors of Gryffindor, and even his toad is in the colors of Gryffindor (Martín took care of that). The girls who became some sort of Edi’s fan club and accompany him from every Divination lesson, are grouped in the corner of one tribune, wearing Gryffindor colors, despite two of them being actually from Hufflepuff. Professor Silva with a Gryffindor scarf shoots warning glances at Professor Villa who is sporting a Ravenclaw scarf just to provoke him.

“It will be fine, okay, just calm down!” Diego says before they leave the changing room.

“We  _are_  calm, Diego!” Martín points out. “You’re the only one freaking out here.”

Karina runs into the changing room. Since she’s not a part of the first team anymore, she acts as some sort of a pre-match spy and post-match praise provider. “Ravenclaws are playing without Bendtner!” she announces. “Apparently a hippogriff injured him yesterday during Puyol’s lesson and Nurse Shakira said he couldn’t play yet. Christian Eriksen replaced him.”

“That’s good, isn’t it?” Sofia says and looks at Diego.

“All hail Professor Puyol!” Martín adds.

“Yeah. But still Eriksen has way more experience than our Seeker,” Diego mumbles.

“Nah, he’ll do great!” Karina says and pats Edi on the shoulder. “He has the biggest fan club out there. Good luck, guys, I’m going to watch it with the first-years just to make sure they don’t get too excited. Lodeiro and Coates have some supporting devices that I don’t like at all.”

Diego waits for her to leave and then takes Edi aside. “I just want you to know that… it’s your first match, okay? If you don’t catch the golden snitch, I will not kill you.”

“Nah, he’ll just slowly roast you in the fireplace in the common room and then feed you to Luis’ owl!” Martín chuckles.

Diego smacks him over the head and they head to the pitch.

Professor Maradona checks that everything is ready for the match, Diego and Agger shake hands and everyone flies in the air.

The match is going on for barely five minutes when Diego flies past the Ravenclaw Keeper and pushes him out of his way quite roughly. It’s a penalty for Ravenclaw, but luckily Nando manages to catch the quaffle thrown by Krohn-Dehli.

Sofia dodges the bludger sent on her by Agger in the last moment, but a few minutes later another one flies in her direction from Kjaer.

“What the hell the two have against my girlfriend?” Luis yells at Diego.

“Ask her!” Diego says. “Maybe it’s personal!”

Luis then scores twice, just to calm his nerves. Gryffindor is leading 60-20 when Eriksen spots the Golden Snitch. It’s considerably closer to him than it is to Edi.

“Don’t-even-think-about-it!” Diego growls and sends the closest bludger in Eriksen's direction.

Eriksen has to dodge it, makes two turns on his broom and the Golden Snitch disappears.

“Great one, Diego!” Martín shouts.

Sofia scores despite Kjaer attempting to hit her with a bludger. It’s 70-20 for Gryffindor.

Suddenly Agger saves Eriksen in the last second from a bludger by sending it down and the bludger hits Nando’s broom which flies into the ground immediately.

“Oh, damn!” Luis says and looks down. 

“I think he’s alive!” Forlán says, flying closer to the ground. “We have to organize it without a Keeper, so…”

“I AM THE CAPTAIN, FORLÁN!” Diego yells. “Sofia, you’ll be the Keeper. Martín, stay near her and make sure they don’t fly too close. And Edi, you find the freaking golden snitch as soon as possible or we’re losing this!”

Soon it’s 80-50 as Sofia simply isn’t Nando and even though she’s trying her best, Krohn-Dehli has a good day and Kjaer keeps her busy with bludgers.

Then, the golden snitch appears again, this time close to the ground. Edi flies after it, but so does Eriksen.

“Keep everyone out of his way!” Diego yells at Martín. “I’m going after Eriksen!”

Diego thanks his uncle in his mind for buying him a new broom because with the one he had last season he’d have no chance. He lets Edi fly past him and then crosses Eriksen’s way. Eriksen screams and maneuvers his broom to avoid the collision, but in the end falls off it and the empty broom keeps flying between the players.

And Edi catches the golden snitch.

The Gryffindor tribune explodes, Godín throws his toad in the air, the group of girls is close to fainting and Professor Silva now has a very contented grin and is pretending to be strangling Professor Villa with the Ravenclaw scarf. Karina rushes to the team.

“You… freaking… talented… bastard!” Diego breathes and hugs Edi in such way that Forlán has to tell him to stop squeezing him like that or they’ll have to find a new Seeker.

“It was a good action from you as well, Diego!” Luis says. “How’s Nando, anyone knows?”

“They took him to the hospital wing,” Karina says. “He’ll be fine. It looked scary, though.”

“Well, if he believed me…” Edi says.

“In what?”

“I told him to watch out for things that fall from above,” Edi explains.

“Oh no, here we go again!” Diego rolls his eyes. “Seriously, I love you, man, but only when you don’t speak!”  

*** 

They all visit Nando after the match and some of the Ravenclaw players join them.

“Did we win?” Nando asks while Nurse Shakira is preparing another dose of medicine.

“Yeah. Edi caught the golden snitch,” Martín says.

“Hey, I just wanted to say sorry. I didn’t mean to hit your broom,” Agger says. “I just wanted to get it away from Christian, didn’t see you really.”

“It’s fine,” Nando says. “You guys have to beat Slytherin, though, because we’re probably losing to Hufflepuff. Nurse Shakira says she doesn’t want to see me on a broom for at least a month.”

“I think I’ll send a few good bludgers at Ronaldo’s new broom, yeah,” Agger grins.

“I’ll gladly help,” Kjaer says. “I heard he also sleeps with it. So in fact we’ll help him when we crush it, such addiction isn’t healthy.”

“And Martín,” Nando says. “Don’t even think of doing you-know-what to Ronaldo before they release me from here, alright?”

“Don’t worry,” Martín says. “We have to enjoy that together.”

Nurse Shakira tells them to leave after that, so they retire to the common room where the celebrations have already started. Karina drops down on the sofa next to Diego. “Is it bad?” she asks.

“Yeah. Well, he’ll live but… You’ll have to come back as the Keeper for the next match.”

Karina remembers the last time she played for Gryffindor. Two years ago, in heavy rain and fog, and in the end a bludger hit her and she woke up in the hospital wing. “Nobody else could do it?”

Diego sighs. “Only if we finally accept Aguirregay.”

Karina’s eyes go wide. “No. I’ll do it.”


	9. The Ultimate Prank

Nurse Shakira releases Nando from the hospital wing on Wednesday, and everyone is glad to have him back, mainly because without him, Martín is only half his usual self. And no matter how many points the two cost them, everyone simply misses their pranks.

“Ready for the Ronaldo mission?” Nando asks Martín when they are waiting for Professor Carroll in front of the classroom.

“Yes!” Martín says. “I have it upstairs. We’ll do it during lunch.”

Professor Carroll then arrives with the History of Magic textbook and the WizardHair magazine, indicates the pages they have to read and opens his magazine.

The Hufflepuff students start working on their Herbology assignment while the Gryffindor ones use the time to finish the astrology maps for Professor Carbonero.

“I drew something that’s meant to say that the world will end next month, is it tragic enough?” Luis asks Diego.

“Sounds good. I’m doing a plague epidemic,” Diego says and draws a few more dots on his map.

“Great idea.”

“Thanks.”

“If Edi saw you making this up, he’d die,” Sofia notes.

“Well, not everyone sees something when they look up in the sky. And I doubt even he sees something,” Luis shrugs. “I should make it a bit more dramatic. I’ll set the end of the world for next week, what do you think?”

***

Professor Silva looks a lot better than last time when he even let those who didn’t have their essays finish them during the lesson and he was almost falling asleep there. This time he is his usual energetic self.

“I read your essays,” he says and casually pulls out his wand and lets João Pereira’s Daily Prophet, which he intended to read under his desk, disappear. “Not bad. Just Mr. Veloso’s essay worries me a little bit.”

Miguel Veloso looks up. “Why?”

“You wrote that you couldn’t use the Unforgivable Curses because you’d have to go to Azkaban. Excuse me, Mr. Veloso, but if it’s the only thing that stops you from using them, it is a bit worrying.”

“Well… I didn’t have any other ideas,” Miguel shrugs.

“Interesting. Mr. Forlán listed fifty-two reasons.”

Forlán beams with pride.

“Anyways, just in case you ever have to come close to Azkaban or that the Dementors come here for Mr. Veloso, you should know the Patronus spell. Are you familiar with it?” Silva asks.

“Well, Professor Torres told us about it,” Diego Godín says. “He said we’d train it on a boggart, but then the boggart appeared and he ran away.”

“Yeah. It wasn’t even in the form of a Dementor. It was just something really fluffy,” Martín adds.

“Fine, so we’ll start with it today. The spell is Expecto Patronum, and you have to concentrate on a happy memory. Then, the Patronus should look like this. Expecto Patronum!”

A silver wolf appears in the classroom. Everyone gasps.

“Of course, your Patronus will be different. It’s everyone’s personal thing,” Silva explains.

“I wonder what Mourinho’s Patronus looks like,” Nando whispers. “It’s probably a giant anaconda.”

***

During lunch, Martín and Nando keep watching the Slytherin table.

“So how will we do it?” Nando asks.

“It’s fine. I asked some of the first-years to distract Ronaldo and his company, and then we’ll do it.”

In a few minutes, Nicolás Lodeiro runs past Cristiano with his cup of pumpkin juice, pretends to trip over his shoelaces and spills the juice on Cristiano.

“Wh- my robe!” Cristiano yells. “And my hair! He spilled it on my hair!”

Fábio Coentrão immediately jumps up to check if Ronaldo didn’t suffer any further harm, while Veloso and Pereira run after Lodeiro, who’s trying to escape to safety. Martín and Nando pass the Slytherin table by like nothing is happening.

“I hope it will work!” Nando says when they’re out.

“It has to. I put so much effort in it that Mourinho should exempt me from the Potions exams!” Martín grins. “Now let’s go to hand in the Divination homework.”

***

Professor Carbonero welcomes them in her usual shiny robe. The fact that they have the lesson with Ravenclaw makes it at least a bit more interesting, because the combination of Agger and a professor who takes their work seriously is very dangerous.

“Today, we’re going to start with some cartomancy. You are starting with it now, while some people who are the Seers – and I’m glad to say that there are such people among the students - can see the future in the cards much earlier, thanks to their Inner Eye.”

“Guess who she’s talking about,” Diego rolls his eyes.

“You will all find a deck of tarot cards on your tables. One of you will shuffle them – darling, please,” she turns to Simon Kjaer who shuffles the cards unenthusiastically.

Daniel Agger watches him with a very amused smile.

“The other will position nine of them on the table like so…” Carbonero continues and places nine cards on the table. “Oh my goodness!”

“Here we go!” Martín says. “I bet Edi got the dramatic tone from her!”

“It’s the Tower, right next to the Lovers, that’s such an ill omen, darling!” Carbonero whispers and keeps petting Kjaer’s hair absent-mindedly, while Agger is trying hard not to die of laughter next to her. “Your relationship choices will lead you to your downfall… and a nine of Swords on top of everything. It’s the card of the martyr. Suffering, cruelty, violence and loss…”

Martín disappears under a table to hide his laughter, Luis shows Nando a facepalm and Diego is already asleep. However, Diego Godín looks at Carbonero with some strange fascination and a few of the Ravenclaw girls are close to tears. Kjaer himself looks way more distressed by the fact that Professor Carbonero is practically  _hugging_  him, than by the cards on the table.

“Well…” Carbonero says when she goes back to her table and drinks a bit of her tea. “Try it yourself, the explanations are in your books. I have to look at something…” After that she starts gazing into a crystal ball.

Nando shuffles the cards and Martín looks at them and then into the book. “The Fool… yeah, it’s you, obviously. Four of cups… you’re forced to do something you don’t want to do… having Potions with Mourinho, probably…”

At the end of the lesson, everyone is dead with laughter, even Kjaer looks like reading cards to Agger cheered him up. Diego Godín looks a bit scared, though.

“What happened?” Nando asks.

“My cards said that someone very dear to me will be ill…” he says. “And now I noticed my toad looks somehow ill.”

Martín looks at the toad and pats Godín on the shoulder. “To me he looks normal,” he says. “But I could make him pink if it cheers you up.”

“No!” Godín shouts. “The Gryffindor colors are not yet gone completely!”

“Hey, Martín, let’s go! We have to check on you-know-what!” Nando calls and they run to the Great Hall.  

***

Coentrão runs out of the Potions classroom, stops in front of the Gryffindor students and looks at them with a confused gaze.

“Hi?” Diego says.

“Have you seen Cris?” Coentrão asks.

“Yeah, he went to the Great Hall to have dinner. Like everyone else,” Luis shrugs.

“Fine!” Coentrão grins happily. “I have to tell him that I love him!”

When he disappears, Diego exchanges confused looks with Luis, but then notices Martín’s expression. “You…” Diego’s eyes go wide. “You gave him a love potion?”

“Umm… yes!” Martín grins.

“It’s banned!” Forlán hisses.

“Actually, we slipped it into Ronaldo’s juice, because it was clear he wouldn’t want to see pumpkin juice after Lodeiro showered him with it, and Coentrão probably believes that drinking from Ronaldo’s cup will make him equally… how to say it… ronaldistic,“ Martín says.

“Yeah, we’ve seen him drinking from his cup secretly a few times,” Nando adds.

“So technically, they will blame Ronaldo for giving him the love potion, because obviously, he fell in love with whoever gave it to him,” Martín finishes. “Don’t worry, it will wear off in a day… if we don’t give him another dose. We have enough.”

***

Edi joins them at the table, not paying any attention to Coentrão who is now serenading at Cristiano’s feet. “Is it true?” he asks. “About what Professor Carbonero read to Kjaer?”

“Calm down, she always sees someone’s death in their cards, palm, tea cup…” Diego says.

“She didn’t even say he would  _die_!” Nando objects. “She just said… how did she say it… that his relationship choices would lead him to his downfall.”

“But he had a nine of Swords, didn’t he?” Edi asks.

“Yeah, and what?”

“The nine of Swords is the worst card you can have, and if he had it with the Tower…” Edi pauses dramatically. “I wouldn’t sleep at night.”

“I think there’s someone else who won’t sleep at night…” Nando notes and points to Coentrão who is now attempting to lay his head in Ronaldo’s lap.

“Gosh, we probably made the potion a bit stronger!” Martín laughs. 

Apparently they are not the only ones who notice it. Mourinho watches Coentrão with a disgusted face and Professor Silva takes a deep breath to stop laughing at the sight of Coentrão kissing the napkin Ronaldo used to wipe his mouth with. “Good God,” he breathes and wipes away a tear. “Somebody give the poor boy an antidote!”


	10. The Giant Squid

Professor Mourinho looks at Fábio Coentrão, who is now looking confused and embarrassed, as the antidote kicks in.

“Well, I hope you feel better now, Mr. Coentrão,” Mourinho said. “The love potion Mr. Ronaldo gave you was really strong.”

“Cris… Cris gave me a love potion?” Fábio asks incredulously.

“I didn’t…” Cristiano objects from the corner, but Mourinho shuts him up with one glance.

“So… so it means…” Fábio breathes and his smile grows wider. “That he loves me?”

Mourinho frowns and checks the bottle of the antidote to see if it hasn’t expired or if he didn’t grab a different bottle by accident, because it doesn’t seem like the effects of the love potion had subsided. “Go to your bedroom, Mr. Coentrão!” Mourinho says. “Mr. Ronaldo and I will have a chat now.”

Fábio nods and on his way makes an attempt to hug Cristiano, who seems utterly terrified now.

“And now…” Mourinho folds his arms. “How can you explain this?”

***

Professor Puyol is waiting for the Gryffindor first-year students near his house. There are also the Hufflepuff second-years who had to replace their class because last time Puyol went to try flying on a thestral and it carried him too far away from Hogwarts, so he didn’t manage to get back for his lesson.

“If we’re going to feed the giant flobberworms again, I swear I’m leaving this school!” Lodeiro informs the class about his resolution.

“Well, at least those won’t kill you,” Edi says. “And they’re too lazy to escape, unlike other things. Remember the fire crabs?”

“Glad you liked the fire crabs, Mr. Cavani!” Puyol grins. “Today unfortunately it has nothing to do with fire.”

The class breathes a sigh of relief.

“On the contrary!” Puyol says cheerfully. “Follow me!”

Everyone is beyond worried, because when Puyol is excited about something, it’s usually not safe. But when they see the Black Lake, they almost panic.

“If he wants us to go to talk to the merpeople, I’m done!” Walter shudders. “No matter if Cáceres says the mermaids are sexy.”

“Cáceres looks like a mermaid himself,” Eguren says. “But I don’t believe he’s ever been down there!”

“So… there are these cute little creatures called grindylows!” Puyol announces. “I want you to go have a look at them.”

“Cute little creatures? They’ll drown us in no time!” Coates protests.

“Oh, come on, don’t be a coward, Mr. Coates!” Puyol snorts. “The merpeople are way more dangerous. So come on! Maybe you’ll be lucky and you’ll also see the Giant Squid!”

“Lucky?” Walter breathes and looks at Edi. “What… you don’t want to go there, do you?”

Edi shrugs. “I don’t want to fail this course and then I had no danger in my cards for today, so I should survive it.”

“Probably just because there is no card for Giant Squid, don’t be crazy!” Lodeiro says.

“Hey, if you’re not in the water until I count to ten, I’ll get really mad!” Puyol calls.

Edi sighs and comes closer to the lake. Then he turns around. Everyone else is standing in a safe distance from the water. “Guys, are you serious?” Edi says. “Am I going there alone?”

Nobody moves. Finally Ezequiel Lavezzi sighs. “Fine, I’m going with you.”

***

When Edi emerges from the lake again, his teeth are chattering and his lips are almost blue.

“So?” Puyol asks excitedly. “Aren’t they cute?”

“Very cute, Professor,” Edi mumbles, pulling some weed from his hair.

“Did you see the Giant Squid?” Puyol questions him.

“Yeah, it was… charming.”

Puyol smiles proudly and looks at the rest of the class. “You don’t know what you missed, guys!” he says.

“Excuse me, I would like to go… dry myself!” Edi says.

“Of course, of course… oh, I forgot, ten points for Gryffindor… for admiring the Giant Squid. The rest of you will feed the flobberworms for five hours because you are cowards!”

When Edi goes up the school property to the castle, Puyol claps his hands. “So, that would be all for today!”

“Eh… excuse me, Professor…” Eguren says and points to the lake. “I think you still have one student down there.”

***

When the fifth-years get back to their common room, they find Edi sitting near the fireplace with his fan club around him. María Soledad is wrapping him up in a blanket and two of the first year girls are fighting over who will prepare the next cup of hot chocolate.

“What happened to you?” Diego asks.

“I dived in the Black Lake,” Edi says.

“What?” Nando shouts. “Why would you do that?”

“Because Puyol told me to!” Edi snaps. “We had a meet and greet with the Giant Squid at today’s lesson.”

“Guys, do you also get the impression that every Puyol’s lesson is actually an attempted homicide?” Martín asks.

Everyone hums in agreement.

“Did you really go down there… to the merpeople?” Edi asks him.

“Yeah, I did!” Martín grins. “In the third year. There was this one mermaid that was kind of interested in me…”

“They still talk sometimes,” Nando adds.

“Even though when he made it clear that he had no intention to spend the rest of his life on the bottom of the Black Lake, she became a bit colder towards him,” Diego confirms.

In that moment the door to the common room opens and Professor Silva rushes in. “They just told me about the Care of Magical Creatures lesson,” he says and looks at Edi. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Edi says. “Did they find Pocho… eh, Lavezzi?”

“Yes,” Professor Silva purses his lips. “The mermaids got him. It took a while to get him from there.”

Nando laughs and pokes Martín in the ribs. “Seems like the mermaids found a new lover,” he whispers. “Don’t be sad, maybe you can try the centaurs now!”

***

On the way to the Great Hall, they meet Professor Guardiola, who is practically violet from anger.

“Do you think it’s Puyol’s end?” Nando asks.

“Probably. But then, when he survived the fire crabs…” Diego shrugs. “I could try to get some gossip from the other Prefects. I’ll be right back.”

He joins Karina and they go over to where Lionel Messi, the Prefect from Hufflepuff, is sitting. Forlán sits at their table when the others are already eating. “Sorry, got stuck in the library!” he says.

“Where else could you get stuck, yeah!” Martín rolls his eyes.

“It wouldn’t cause you any harm if you read something from time to time, you know?” Forlán grins.

“I read the Daily Prophet every day!” Martín objects.

“Only the Quidditch page!” Forlán retorts.

“So what? Quidditch is the only thing I’m interested in! I don’t need to read the muggles-related stuff,” Martín shrugs.

Diego and Karina join them after that.

“Seems like it’s Puyol’s end,” Diego says contentedly. “Guardiola would survive that he almost left Lavezzi with the mermaids, but they found a strange creature down there that Puyol was apparently secretly keeping there… Let’s just say the Giant Squid is a cute little thing compared to it.”

“Great,” Nando says. “Now we won’t have lessons again until they find a new teacher. I hope it takes them a long time.”


	11. The Unforgivable Curse

The Slytherin team isn’t in the best mood, and Ronaldo’s new broom can’t change it. Their Keeper got injured during a Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson when he was running away from a boggart and accidentally ran into a shelf full off potions. All the potions’ effects combined had catastrophic consequences, and if it wasn’t for Professor Silva’s quick actions, and for Forlán, who immediately ran for Nurse Shakira, they could as well do a try-out for another Keeper.

For now, Irina is the Keeper, but she’s nowhere near good. During practice she gets distracted by every bludger that flies in her direction before it even gets really near her, and she keeps watching Cristiano instead of the quaffle (and also Fábio, when he gets too close to Cristiano).

Fábio is trying to ignore the Hufflepuff and also Ravenclaw and Gryffindor students who are singing some parts of his serenade for Ronaldo as he’s going to the pitch. Martín and Nando are pretending to conduct the singers like a giant choir and a group of girls who are apparently a Lavezzi fan club, even try to add vocals in Beyonce’s style. Professor Silva is trying to persuade them to stop it, but he doesn’t look very convincing. Professor Villa is laughing openly and Professor Carroll is even humming the tune with the students.

Cristiano shoots a hateful look at Messi as they shake hands and they fly in the air. The game is a disaster. Sure, Cristiano’s broom can do nice flips and is fast as hell, but when he actually flies  _too fast_  past the golden snitch, he wishes it had better brakes. Fábio is doing a great work with the bludgers, but only with those that fly at Cristiano, so soon Miguel Veloso has a broken nose and Raul Meireles doesn’t know where to fly first because he has to work for both of them. Irina shrieks when Lavezzi approaches her, and she’s lucky the shriek terrifies him enough to actually drop the quaffle. They still lose in no time when Messi catches the golden snitch before his team even bothers to score, and Cristiano feels like he will explode with anger, or kill someone.

***

“Hey, Ronaldo!” Tevez shouts at him once they come back to the castle. “Lost the brakes somewhere?”

“Shut up!” Cristiano groans.

“He was just too busy mixing another love potion last night,” Nando says as they’re passing by.

“So are you and Coentrão finally dating?” Martín asks.

“It was... it was you!” Cristiano gasps. “I... I will turn you into a ferret, you...”

“Yeah? Try it!” Martín says and watches him with amusement as Cristiano fumbles with his robe to pull out his wand.

“If these are meant to be your dueling skills, Mr. Ronaldo, then I’m deeply disappointed!” Professor Silva’s voice sounds from the doorway. “If Mr. Cáceres was Ribéry, you’d be already dead five times.”

Cristiano shudders at the sound of the name, groans and hides the wand he had put so much effort into pulling out. “He gave Fábio the love potion!” he says then, pointing at Martín.

“Mr. Ronaldo, if Mr. Cáceres gave Mr. Coentrão the love potion, Mr. Coentrão would fall in love with him and not you, don’t you think? Or should I ask Professor Mourinho to explain how the love potion works?”

Cristiano says nothing. Nando chuckles. “There’s no need, Professor, I think even the first-year girls know that!” he says. “At least five of them tried to give some to Cavani this week.”

They don’t have time to elaborate on that subject, though, because Antonella Roccuzzo runs to them. “Professor,” she says out of breath. “The Ravenclaw and Slytherin students are fighting in the hallway!”

***

The scene in the hallway resembles more a real battle than a regular school fight. Joe Hart is desperately trying to make the students stop fighting, but the only thing he achieves is getting a pig tail when one of the curses accidentally hits him.

Daniel Agger is fighting João Pereira, sending Stupefy curses in his direction, while Pereira is trying to hit him with Fiendfyre, which is fortunately not working properly. Simon Kjaer tries to defend himself from Pepe, looking rather unsure to actually fight him.

“They just started fighting like that, I mean, the Slytherins, because the Ravenclaws teased them about the upcoming match!” Antonella explains while they’re running towards the fighters.

Nicklas Bendtner escapes Marcelo’s Stupefy curse by inches, but is hit with a Levicorpus one moments later. Joe Hart runs to get something soft Bendtner could fall on once the curse’s effect is over. Agger finally manages to cast Expelliarmus on Pereira and proceeds to finish the fight physically without wands. The situation calms down a little bit. Pepe, however, isn’t giving up.

“Sectumsemp-” he starts.

“Protego!” Kjaer yells, but stares at Pepe in horror.

Everyone stops fighting and stares at them.

“He’s fucking serious!” Agger murmurs through gritted teeth and pulls out his wand again. “Good manners aside, Simon, do something!”

“Pepe, stop it!” Fábio shouts and runs to get João who is always better at talking people out of things.

Pepe looks like he is completely mad, though, not listening to anyone around him. “Cruc-”

“Expelliarmus!” Professor Silva yells. “You-must-be-kidding-me!”

Fábio finally lets out his breath, even though the whole situation probably means that they’re all screwed at least until the year ends. Agger instinctively pulls Kjaer closer to him, letting everyone know that he’s not going to let anyone touch him. Professor Silva comes up to Pepe. “I see the essay on why not to use these curses wasn’t enough,” he says. “Probably you want me to show you how these actually work before trying to cast them again.”

“N-no, I don’t...” Pepe stutters.

“Pray for being just expelled from this school!” Silva says. “But don’t expect me to testify in your favor!”

“Professor, I really did try to stop them...” Joe Hart says in a squeaky voice, still hugging the pillow he used for Bendtner to land on.

“Yes, I know. Thank you,” Silva says and casually removes the pig tail.

“What’s going on in here?” Professor Mourinho asks when he comes out of Guardiola’s office.

“Nothing much,” Silva says sarcastically. “One of your students just tried to use the Cruciatus curse on Mr. Kjaer. It followed an attempt to hit him with Sectumsempra. I honestly hope it wasn’t you who taught him that, even though I wouldn’t be surprised.”

Mourinho looks at him, bewildered. “Which student?” he asks.

Silva grabs Pepe, who is trying to quietly disappear, by the robe, and pulls him to Mourinho.

“Well, we’ll talk about it,” Mourinho says, but before he can take Pepe away, the door to Guardiola’s office opens.

“Gentlemen?” Guardiola says. “I just got a visit from the Ministery of Magic. Mr. Lampard and Mr. Zidane would like to know who tried to use an Unforgivable Curse here ten minutes ago.”

***

It takes hours for the students in the Gryffindor common room to stop talking about what happened. The girls can’t stop talking about how  _awesome_  Professor Silva is, and mainly how sexy he looks while angry. The boys discuss mainly whether the curse would really work if Pepe used it.

Finally everyone goes back to their homework. Forlán gets mad when he finds out Lodeiro is sitting in his favorite armchair and makes a scene, so finally Karina has to ask Lodeiro to sit elsewhere because otherwise Forlán wouldn’t stop whining. As soon as Lodeiro is gone, Forlán contentedly curls up in the sofa with a cup of tea and the History of Magic book.

“Hey, Edi!” Walter calls. “Do you have the Charms homework already?”

“Don’t have to do it,” Edi says calmly. “We won’t have Charms tomorrow.”

“What? Why?”

“Gerrard will be sick.”

“Come on, I saw him today, he’s fine,” Lodeiro says.

“He won’t be. He’ll get sick after breakfast.”

They all roll their eyes and go to work on their homework, while Edi calmly continues reading the part of the Divination textbook that focuses on crystal-gazing.

***

The next day Professor Gerrard is all well during breakfast, talking to Professor Carroll, apparently about hairstyles, because Carroll is constantly letting his hair loose and then tying it back into his ponytail, and when they pass the table, they overhear something about “split ends”.

However, when they arrive for their Charms lesson, the classroom is empty and there is a note on the door, announcing that the lesson was cancelled because of the teacher’s acute sickness.

When they come back to the common room, Edi is sitting in one of the armchairs, calmly doing his homework for Defence Against the Dark Arts, not looking surprised to see them at all.

“Guys,” Walter says shakily. “This is not even funny anymore.”


	12. Divination

The Potions lesson is feared even more that the Defence Against the Dark Arts by everyone now. Mourinho is angry because he had to spend several hours at the Ministry of Magic because of Pepe. Finally it seems like Pepe won’t have to go to Azkaban because he didn’t actually finish the curse, but Guardiola wants to fire him from Hogwarts. And of course Pepe’s parents think it’s all Mourinho’s fault.

“When I find out who’s been stealing the ingredients for the love potions, I’ll have her expelled from this school!” he announces right at the beginning of the first-years’ lesson.

“Her? I thought it was Ronaldo!” Lodeiro whispers to Coates.

“Do you have anything to say, Mr. Lodeiro?” Mourinho asks.

“No, nothing.”

A few of the girls actually blush and try to avoid everyone’s eyes.

“Now you will prepare the Calming Drought, instructions are in your books.”

Then Mourinho sits behind his desk, closes his eyes and starts rubbing his temples. Everyone sighs and starts preparing the ingredients. Walter cuts his roots and is so concentrated that he doesn’t even notice Edi, who is waiting for him to finish, so that he could take the knife. Finally Edi sighs and turns to one girl. “Can I borrow the knife for a moment?” he asks.

Suddenly Mourinho is interrupted from his meditation by screams, screeching of desks and clinking of glass, as all the girls are trying to get close to Edi and borrow him their knives. “What is this?” Mourinho yells.

“I- Professor, I just asked Miska if I could borrow her knife!” Edi says.

“Then why is this comedy going on?” Mourinho ask. “Everyone to their places, now!”

The girls shoot hateful looks at Miska and go back to their places.

“I think I’ll pay attention in Divination from now on,” Lodeiro whispers to Coates. “It seems like they’re after the psychics.”

***

The Gryffindor team meets for the training after the last lesson on Friday. As they’re waiting for Diego and Karina to arrive, Martín and Nando, who insisted on at least watching his teammates’ practice, are talking about the upcoming (legal) Hogsmeade visit, Luis keeps being attacked by his owl and Edi is discussing something with Forlán. 

“I never really paid attention in Divination, you know,” Forlán says. “I don’t like that subject, you almost never use books.”

“Well, but you did have numerology in the first year, didn’t you?” Edi asks.

“Yeah.”

“I don’t get why Professor Carbonero doesn’t want to teach it until the second year now. I mean, numerology looks so awesome! Just… what only your date of birth can tell you!”

Forlán doesn’t look excited at all, but he nods politely. He is grateful when Diego and Karina arrive because Edi is just about to start discussing palm-reading.

“Sorry, we had a Prefects' meeting because of the Hogsmeade visit,” Diego says. “Everyone ready? We have to train seriously, the match against Hufflepuff will be no fun. You saw what they did to Slytherin.”

“Slytherin did it to themselves,” Martín corrects him. “Ronaldo forgot his brakes at home and their Keeper was the dumbest girl in the whole Hogwarts!”

“Well, fine, but there will be Messi, not Ronaldo, and no Shayk,” Diego says. “You all know Karina hasn’t played a match in two years, so she will be our weak spot. Martín, we have to make sure they don’t get many opportunities to score. And Edi, you…”

“I will catch the golden snitch as soon as possible, or we’re losing this and you will feed me to Luis’ owl,” Edi says calmly.

“Good boy!” Diego says and pats him on the head. “Now get your brooms ready.”

***

Professor Carbonero emerges from the darkness and the scented sticks smoke with the students’ astrological maps. “Mr. Suárez…” she says in her most mysterious tone she has reserved for her favorite students. “Great work, even though the world didn’t end last week. You probably put this star a bit too far from this one. I’d say next month, but very well…”

“Thanks,” Luis says and grins at Sofia.

“Mr. Lugano… the plague epidemics, very interesting… but couldn’t it be cholera? This constellation suggests it could be…”

“Of course,” Diego says quickly. “It probably is.”

“Hmm… good work, I give you an E. Mr. Agger… are you sure the constellation right here suggests an army of zombies attacking the Ministry of Magic?”

The class explodes with laughter.

“Yeah, I’m positive it does,” Agger says, after which Krohn-Dehli falls under his desk.

“Divination is a serious subject, Mr. Agger!” Carbonero says. “Either do your homework seriously or don’t do it at all! Mr. Kjaer…”

Everyone rolls their eyes at how her voice softens, like she is talking to a sick puppy, ever since she's read from his cards.

“Fights and a battle, very well, we’ve all heard about what happened after the Quidditch match… good work. Mr. Cáceres, I don’t know what you meant by a revolt of the centaurs, but…” She’s interrupted by Forlán who raises his hand. “Yes, Mr. Forlán?”

“I… I would like to know how much I scored, Professor.”

“I will get to it, Mr. Forlán.”

“But the lesson ends in two minutes and you will say that you’ll tell me next time. It’s  _always_  like that!”

Martín and Nando roll their eyes, even though Martín is glad Carbonero will now drop his homework because he has no idea what he could add to a revolt of the centaurs.

“Mr. Forlán, then…” Carbonero says and flips through the papers. “Oh, it was the bad weather this week, that’s correct, and attack of flobberworms on the cabbage field. Correct, but boring. So, your grade is Acceptable.”

“Acceptable?” Forlán explodes. “I get Acceptable for being correct, and Suárez gets Outstanding for something he made up completely, and Kjaer gets Exceeds Expectations for something so vague as fights and a battle?” He packs his things and stands up. “I never liked this subject anyways!” he says and bangs the door behind him.

Professor Carbonero doesn’t seem to be shocked at all. “Of course, I always knew he would leave…” she says calmly. “It’s his aura… so ugly. Well, that’s all for today. For next week I have a special homework for you, though.”

“Draw Forlán’s ugly aura?” Martín whispers and Nando giggles.

“I asked your professors to be so kind and participate in our preparation for the exams. So, I will give each of you the name of the professor you have to read from the cards to. That will ensure that you’re not cheating with your classmates. I want a bit of past and a bit of future. You’ll hand it in at the next lesson.”

Everyone seems to be utterly horrified.

“If I get Mourinho, I’m dead!” Godín says, already trembling.

Carbonero starts distributing the small papers with names.

“Please, be Carroll, be Carroll…” Luis whispers to himself as he’s unfolding it. “Oh, damn, it’s Villa.”

“Damn, Gerrard!” Diego sighs. “Who do you have, Nando?”

“Alonso. Not bad…”

From Agger’s face they can tell he’s the one who got Mourinho, and they suspect Carbonero did it on purpose for the zombies in his homework. Simon Kjaer is doing a little victory dance while singing “Mara-dona, Mara-mara-dona!”

Sofia throws her hands in the air. “Yes, Carroll!” she yells and sticks out her tongue at Luis.

Martín unfolds his paper. “No!” he whines.

“What, it can’t be Mourinho?” Nando ask.

“No, it’s Silva!” Martín says. “Why is it always me who has to deal with Silva?”

Suddenly Diego Godín shrieks in terror and falls into one of the armchairs.

“What’s up?” Nando asks. “There isn’t anything worse than Mou, is there?”  
  
“Yes…” Godín whispers. “I got… I…  I got Carbonero herself!”  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Miska is Walter Gargano's wife (Marek Hamšík's sister).


	13. The Fault in our Cards

“You’re just SO lucky!” Edi says, looking at Martín with jealousy. “You get to read from the cards to  _professors_!”

“I wouldn’t call that lucky!” Martín growls. “What can I say about Silva? That he’s a werewolf, which I know from Nando, but if I tell Carbonero, he’ll probably kill me.”

“I propose a deal,” Edi smirks and pulls Martín away from everyone in the common room. “I still need a person I could read from the palm to for my homework, and it can’t be any of my classmates, so all the girls are out of question… and I don’t want them to kill each other over it, too.”

“So what’s the deal?” Martín frowns.

“You will remember the cards Silva has, and what position they are in. I will tell you what it means,” Edi says. “If I get to read your palm.”

“Just that?” Martín laughs incredulously.

“It’s not  _just that_ ,” Edi frowns. “Nobody wants me to do it. Forlán said he wanted to have nothing in common with Divination anymore. I tried Luis, but his owl almost killed me when I approached him. Karina is too busy, Godín is scared I’d tell him he’d die soon and Nando started laughing as soon as I touched him.”

“Sure, you can read my palm, my foot or my ass anytime you want, I don’t care, just help me with this Silva thing!” Martín says excitedly.

“Deal!” Edi says. “Reserve an hour for me tomorrow after the flying lesson, ok?”

***

Apparently, the divination homework keeps everyone occupied. On their way to breakfast, they see Miska sitting on the stairs with Coentrão, trying to read his palm, while Walter keeps chasing Lavezzi, trying to persuade him to let him read his.

Professor Mourinho comes to the Ravenclaw table and looks at the students. “Which one of you is supposed to do the card reading nonsense with me?” he asks.

“It’s me, Sir!” Agger says.

“Fine, I give you ten minutes after lunch. I don’t have time for such stupidities.”

Agger nods and thanks God he will only have to spend ten minutes with Mourinho. The only professor who looks excited about the whole thing (apart from Carbonero) is surprisingly Maradona. He even announced that the flying lesson will be a bit shorter so that they have enough time for the card reading.

***

Shorter or not, Matías Aguirregaray still manages to get stuck on the roof of Professor Carbonero’s office and Maradona has to fly there and bring him his broom back. Lavezzi keeps trying his flips above the lake.

“Say hi to the Giant Squid from me when you fall in there!” Edi calls at him.

“Or to the mermaids from Martín!” Nando says and earns an elbow in the ribs.

Finally the lesson is over, Maradona retires to his office with Kjaer and a stack of tarot cards, and the rest of the students go back to their common rooms.

On their way, they find Fábio Coentrão, who is hiding behind a statue of Pierluigi Collina, crying.

“Hey,” Diego says and crouches next to him. “What happened?”

“It’s…” Fábio sniffs and takes the paper tissue Karina hands him. “It’s the palm reading. Miska told me I was in love with someone but the person didn’t love me back. And it’s true!” He throws his arms around Diego’s neck and starts sobbing uncontrollably.

“Well… maybe she didn’t do it properly…” Diego tries to comfort him.

“No, it’s true. I thought he loved me when he gave me the love potion, but…”

“Eh… Fábio, don’t get mad, but Cris didn’t give it to you,” Martín says. “We did.”

“Well, it doesn’t matter,” Fábio shrugs. “Cris doesn’t love me anyways. He doesn’t even notice me.”

“And wasn’t there anything positive that Miska told you?” Karina asks. “For sure Cris is not the only person in the world.”

“But he’s the best one!” Fábio says, collapsing against Diego again. “She said there was someone who liked me and I didn’t see it, but what does it matter? I want Cris!”

“Please don’t read such stupidities from my palm,” Martín whispers to Edi. “I want specific information. That I will pass my O.W.L., become the national quidditch team captain, earn lots of money, that kind of things.”

“And she also read to me that there was some danger approaching me!” Fábio concludes in a somber tone. “So probably it doesn’t matter that Cris doesn’t want me. I’ll die soon anyways.”

***

Edi sits next to Martín on the sofa in their common room. Forlán looks at them and snorts before going back to his Charms homework.

“So I can?” Edi asks.

“Of course,” Martín rolls his eyes. “If I’m about to die tomorrow, tell me so I can get wasted before it comes.”

“You’re not going to die anytime soon,” Edi assures him, looking at his palm, running his finger along his line of life. “But there is some trouble…”

“I always get into trouble.”

“It doesn’t concern school. More like… some danger from the outside.”

Forlán coughs, but when they ignore him, he starts flipping through his Charms book.

“You know what?” Edi says, inspecting Martín’s hand closely. “The fortune and fame thing might actually happen.”

“Yeah, he’s going to win in lottery and then he’ll become Minister of Magic!” Forlán says. “All because his line of whatever is long enough.”

“Don’t mind the one with ugly aura, Edi!” Martín says and sticks his tongue out at Forlán. “His lines are probably shorter than Messi.”

“Sure!” Forlán snaps and gets up. “I can’t focus here when you two are holding hands and talking stupidities, I’m off to the library!”

When he’s passing Mourinho’s office, the door suddenly opens and Daniel Agger flies out, followed by tarot cards and a cauldron. “Well…” he says, getting up. “Something I saw in the cards was probably true.”

***

After dinner, some students still continue with their Divination homework, Diego is checking his broom, Nando is keeping Godín busy with some magazine while Martín is doing something strange with Godín’s toad, and Edi is sitting by the fireplace with tarot cards, his fan club sitting around him and looking at him like they’re waiting for a miracle to happen.

Edi adds the last card to the combination and gasps.

“What?” Miska asks.

“Something terrible is about to happen,” he says.

Some of the first-year girls shriek, and even María Soledad, who is in the third year, lays a hand on her heart and closes her eyes for a moment.

“Something terrible?” Nando muses. “Agger is going to use the Serpensortia spell in proximity of Gerrard’s pants, I tell you!”

Edi keeps ignoring him, gathering his cards and getting up from the floor. “I have to speak to Professor Carbonero!”

The girls nod frantically, making way immediately. María Soledad decides to accompany him, running after him and shooting the other girls a winning look when he doesn’t object.

“Yeah, I’m sure Carbonero will save the world if it’s about to end!” Nando says. “Are you done already, Martín?”

“Sure!” Martín says and grins.

In a few minutes there is a shriek and Godín runs into the common room, looks at Martín accusingly and then walks over to Diego. “He did it again!” he whines and shows Diego his toad that is now glittery pink.

“Turn it back, Martín!” Diego groans.

“Fine. But the last time I tried the reverse charm, the rat exploded. It was quite nasty, I tell you!” Martín says and pulls out his wand.

Godín grabs his toad and runs to the bedroom.

“When will you finally grow up?” Diego sighs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you don't remember Mr. Collina, look him up and you'll understand that only a crazy person would make a statue of him :)


	14. Hogsmeade

It’s the day of the Hogsmeade visit and everyone is excited. Well, everyone except of the Prefects.

“I’m not sure that allowing the first-years in Hogsmeade was a good idea,” Diego sighs. “We’re going to lose half of them!”

“I lost my permission form!” Fucile panics, throwing things out of his suitcase. “I’m sure I put it in here… oh, maybe I put it my socks!” He disappears under the bed and emerges again with a pair of red socks and a piece of parchment. “It was there!” he announces happily.

“Maybe you’re right!” Karina says to Diego.

***

Diego decides to take the Hogsmeade visit as a bonding event of the Gryffindor quidditch team, and persuading him that they know each other better than their own parents know them doesn’t work. He insists on a team meeting at the Three Brooms. On their way to the hall, they see Coates sitting in the common room, looking really sad.

“Hey, you’re not going?” Nando asks.

“My parents forgot to sign the form,” Coates sighs.

“They could have sent it by an owl!” Luis says.

“Your owl, Luis?” Diego asks and Luis kicks him.

“They are muggles, they don’t know how to use owls!” Coates explains.

“Do you have the form?” Martín asks.

“Yeah.”

“Give it to me.”

Coates hands him the empty form. Forlán looks at Martín disapprovingly. “You don’t want to sign it for him, do you?”

“Why not?” Martín shrugs.

“It’s against the rules! They could expel you, and him as well!” Forlán hisses.

“They won’t, if they don’t find out. And if they do, I will know whose aura I have to make even uglier by casting the worst spells I know on him!” Martín says and scribbles something on the form. “Here you go. Mr. Coates agrees with his son’s visits to Hogsmeade!”

***

Professor Silva is waiting for the students at the entrance, checking the forms. “Those I have already checked, follow Mr. Hart!” he calls. “Miss Shayk, I’ve already told you four times that you cannot go if you don’t have the form signed. Your love for Mr. Ronaldo doesn’t change anything.”

Irina frowns and disappears back in the castle. Martín and Nando hand Silva their forms.

“I kind of hoped for you two to lose them,” Silva says. “If there is trouble, you know what the detention will be, right?”

“Going to the unicorns, Sir!” Nando nods.

“Fine, you can go. Where are you going, Mr. Messi? I don’t remember you giving me the form!”

“I… well, I… my mother… ugh, never mind!” Messi mumbles and runs away.

Coates is a bit nervous when he hands Silva his form, but when Silva says nothing, he happily joins Lodeiro and Gargano at the gate where Joe Hart is desperately trying to count the students. “You… you were here already, weren’t you? Or you have a twin? No? No twin? Damn, where was I?”

João Pereira looks at Fábio, who is watching Cristiano leaving with Marcelo, Miguel Veloso and Raul Meireles, apparently very excited about something. João has to admit that Fábio looks miserable. “You’re not going?” he asks him.

“I can’t. The sorting hat thing. Guardiola banned me from Hogsmeade visits,” Fábio says.

“That sucks.”

Fábio shrugs.

João takes a moment to think. “What would you say to a game of chess, or to some flying practice before the match against Ravenclaw?”

Fábio looks at him with surprise. “But… but you can go to Hogsmeade!”

“Yeah, but… I don’t really feel like it. Come on, I’ve been there for a million times already, I can do without the Butterbeer for once. So… on the pitch in half an hour?”

Fábio finally smiles. “Sounds good.”

“Okay, see you there!” João says and goes to find his broom.

***

Professor Silva enters the Three Brooms with Professor Villa, laughing about something. They look at Mourinho who’s sitting alone in the corner with a glass of something strong.

“Hello, Professor!” Villa greets him cheerfully.

Mourinho shoots a hateful look at them and continues staring into his glass.

“Guys,” Silva turns to Diego and company. “I hope you won’t disappoint me in Quidditch next week. Professor Villa says you won’t score more than fifty points against Hufflepuff. I bet on you winning with more than 50 points difference.”

“We’ll try, Sir,” Diego says.

“I hope so. I would really like to win Professor Villa’s best hat.”

“Who says you’re getting my hat when you win?” Villa frowns and pokes Silva.

They are interrupted by Agger, Kjaer, Krohn-Dehli and Eriksen running inside.

“Anybody seen Bendtner?” Krohn-Dehli asks.

“No,” Luis says. “Why?”

“We can’t find him since we left the Honeydukes.”

“He’s not a first-year student, Mr. Krohn-Dehli, I’m sure he won’t get lost here!” Villa says. "Besides, are you really sure that Mr. Bendtner even left the Honeydukes? As I know him, I would bet he's still buying Fudge Flies."

To everyone’s surprise, Professor Carbonero appears at the Three Brooms as well, in the company of Nurse Shakira and another woman.

“Damn, it’s Torres’ wife!” Martín whispers to Diego. “It doesn’t mean Torres is coming back, does it?”

“Silva is not leaving, why would he come back?”

“Maybe as the Care of Magical Creatures teacher?” Luis suggests. “Since Puyol could teach it, everyone can!”

“Oh, Professors!” Carbonero nods to Villa and Silva.

“You decided to visit the real world, Sara?” Villa smirks.

Carbonero purses her lips, but then she notices Kjaer. “Oh, darling!” she says in her delicate tone and hugs him. “How are you?”

“Uh… I’m fine!” Kjaer mumbles, desperately trying to escape her embrace.

Luckily Professor Silva comes to Kjaer’s rescue. “Enough, don’t strangle him, Sara!” he laughs and touches Carbonero’s arm.

Carbonero flinches, lets go of Kjaer immediately and turns to Silva. “God, what…” she breathes. “You…”

“Are you alright, Sara?” Nurse Shakira asks with concern.

“Yes… yes, I just… no, forget it!” Carbonero mumbles and follows Nurse Shakira and Torres’ wife to the corner of the pub.

Diego generously agrees on the Ravenclaw team to join them at the table, because as he says, they have already played against each other and now they have the common goal – to beat Slytherin.

“Hufflepuff completely destroyed them, we could do it too!” Eriksen says.

“If they still have Shayk on the team and Ronaldo doesn’t buy a broom with brakes, we definitely have a chance,” Agger says. “Damn, guys, did you notice Mourinho?”

“Yeah, he’s been sitting there like that for two hours already,” Forlán says. “What did you tell him anyways that he threw you out?”

“Well, it’s strange but I really felt like I saw something in the cards… it’s probably nonsense, but… Well, I told him there was some trouble connected with some people in power, and that Guardiola was going to fire him at the end of the year.”

Everyone laughs.

“That wasn’t a premonition, that was wishful thinking,” Martín sighs.

***

Professor Maradona walks out of his office and stops in surprise when he looks at the pitch. “Well, you really want to win the next match, don’t you, guys?” he laughs when he sees Fábio and João throwing the quaffle at each other. “Aren’t you supposed to be in Hogsmeade?”

“Fábio can’t go, and I didn’t feel like going,” João explains.

“Or you didn’t want to leave Mr. Coentrão alone, eh?” Maradona grins.

Joao blushes and thinks hard about how to change the subject. “Why aren’t  _you_  in Hogsmeade, Professor?” he asks.

“Well, Mr. Kjaer did the card reading thing to me and he said I should change my diet or I’d be ill, so… you know, better not get myself tempted by all the chocolate frogs, Butterbeer and Fudge Flies,” Maradona sighs. “Well, practice, boys. I’m going to see if Mr. Hart has already repaired my chair. It kind of cracked under me last week… some nasty magic, I suspect.”

When he’s far away enough, João leans over Fábio’s shoulder. “That was no magic,” he whispers. “That was the reason why he should change his diet.”

Fábio laughs and taps João on the shoulder. “Well, let’s try some of those flips, shall we?” he says cheerfully.

***

Martín and Nando excuse themselves because they have to get some things for their next prank. That they don’t want to tell who the victim should be worries everyone.

Luis goes to the apothecary to get some sedatives for his owl so that he can train without having an extra bludger going after him. Forlán accompanies him to get some caffeine pills, because as he says, the exams are near (telling him there are still months left until the O.W.L. is useless).

Edi goes to the Honeydukes with Lavezzi, but only because Lavezzi drags him along.

“What’s wrong with you?” Sofia asks him when she meets him there.

“Well, remember when I read in the cards that something terrible was about to happen?”

“Yeah. You mean the last time or one of the thirty times before when you saw something like that?”

“The last time. It should have happened today. So either it will still happen, or… I don’t even want to think about it.”

Sofia sighs and grabs a bag of liquorice wands. “So you want to say that You-Know-Who coming here right now and killing us all would be better than you being wrong for once?” she asks.

“Professor Carbonero said I was right!” Edi objects. “It would mean she’d be wrong, too! And she’s never wrong!”

“Yeah, admit it, Sofia!” Karina says, choosing chocolate frogs. “She even predicted Guardiola would go bald!”

“When it was so obvious that even a Flobberworm would predict it,” Sofia laughs.

“You’re mean,” Edi mumbles. “I don’t like you.”

Karina sighs and hugs him. “Come on, we don’t mean it!” she says. “It’s still early. Something could still happen. Mourinho could get drunk and blow up the Three Brooms for example.”

Edi nods like it sounds good to him. Sofia rolls her eyes at Karina and proceeds to the counter.

***

Late at night, Forlán is pacing around the room with his Potions textbook, mumbling something for himself.

“What happened to him?” Nando asks.

“The caffeine pills!” Luis says. “The lady at the apothecary said one at a time. He said he needed to study for the Potions test and took three.”

Nando looks at Forlán whose eyes are as big as the quidditch quaffles, and laughs. Nicolás Lodeiro then enters the common room in his pajamas and with his brand new rat he calls Oscar.

“Aren’t you supposed to be asleep?” Diego asks from his ‘How To Do Nasty Tackles In Quidditch Without Getting Caught By The Referee’ book.

“Yeah, try that,” Lodeiro snaps. “With Coates snoring and Cavani crying next to you!”

“Why is he crying?” Diego asks.

“How would I know? He won’t tell me!” Lodeiro shrugs.

“It’s the Divination thing,” Karina says. “The world didn’t end today and he takes it as a personal failure.”

“I’ll talk to him,” Martín says and gets up. “I can tell him that the Giant Squid ate Guardiola or something tragic enough.”

“The Giant Squid ate Guardiola?” Forlán asks suddenly. “Does that mean there will be no O.W.L.? But I studied so hard!”

“Luis, better take him to Nurse Shakira!” Sofia says. “I think it wasn’t really caffeine in the pills.”

 


	15. The Revelation

“Guys, have you seen my toad?” Godín asks Martín and Nando on the way to breakfast.

“No,” Martín says and yawns.

“Why don’t I believe you?” Godín sighs.

“You can believe me, I wouldn’t have time for transforming it, I spent the whole night comforting Edi. If I don’t get some sleep before Potions, I’m going to drown in Mourinho’s cauldron.”

“How is he anyways?” Diego asks.

“Bad. He keeps repeating the cards don’t lie and Carbonero is never wrong, so obviously the world has to be wrong for not ending or something,” Martín says. “Maybe I’ll take him to Nurse Shakira to give him something to calm him down after breakfast.”

They sit at their table and Martín transforms his juice into coffee. Fábio Coentrão runs into the hall and looks around. “Hey, João!” he calls then and jogs to the Slytherin table. “Practice after Potions, what do you say?”

Cristiano Ronaldo stands in the doorway, completely shocked.

“What’s up, Cris?” Marcelo asks.

“He… he ran past me!” Cristiano gasps. “Fábio… he… he just passed me by like I was a fucking domestic elf!”

“I’m sure he just didn’t see you!” Marcelo tries to comfort him.

“Didn’t see me? Am I not the most noticeable person in this school?” Cristiano asks in a dangerous tone.

“Eh… sure…” Marcelo blurts out.

Cristiano sticks up his head and enters the hall. “My father will hear about this!” he mumbles.

***

The owls bring the post. Luis contentedly pats his sedated owl that looks a bit sleepy, and proceeds to read his letter.

“How is Forlán, anyways?” Nando asks.

“Nurse Shakira says he’ll be fine. He was bouncing around the hospital wing the whole night, so she’s letting him sleep it off now. The pills were much stronger than they should have been, and he took three, so…” Diego shrugs.

“Oh God! There you have it!” Karina says and throws her Daily Prophet to Sofia and other girls.

“Oh my God!” Sofia gasps. “Edi, you were right!”

“In what?” Nando asks.

“They saw a Dark Mark in Hogsmeade!” Sofia reads. “Right after we left!”

Edi cheers up noticeably and reaches for the paper. “Yes, that’s it!” he says then contentedly. “There was a Dark Mark and two wizards are missing.”

“Does it make you happy?” Luis frowns.

“Of course not!” Edi says. “But I was right.”

“I wonder if Guardiola will speak about it!” Karina says. “Where is he anyways?”

“There is a word about the new Care for Magical Creatures teacher arriving today, he’s probably busy with that,” Nando says.

“Well, us prefects should know about it, we have to know what to do if something happens!” Diego says and Martín and Nando roll their eyes.

“If You-Know-Who enters our common room, we sure will be counting on you, Diego!” Martín says.

Suddenly Guardiola’s voice sounds from the teachers’ table. “Students!”

Everyone stops talking and looks at him.

“I suppose you’ve already heard about the unfortunate events that took place in Hogsmeade yesterday. I can assure you that there is no imminent danger concerning this school. Still, we have to take some precautions. Until the end of investigation, all Hogsmeade visits are cancelled!” There is some annoyed groaning, but Guardiola doesn’t seem to notice. “Students are not allowed to leave the school after dark and the teachers will check their houses regularly.”

“Silva is going to tuck us under the blankets every night,” Martín whispers to Nando. “I feel much safer already!”

“I hope you all heard. No secret trips to Hogsmeade, you two!” Karina says. “Understood?”

Martín and Nando nod unenthusiastically.

“I don’t want you to get hurt, okay?” Karina adds in a friendlier tone. “Your life is more important than some pranks or Butterbeer!”

"And now… I would like to welcome our new teacher for the Care of Magical Creatures!” Guardiola says. “Please, a big applause for Professor David Luiz!”

A curly-haired man gets up and half of the girls are close to fainting. Nando facepalms. “I don’t get Guardiola’s choices. After Puyol he takes a friend of Torres.”

“I bet it was the Ministery who sent him here,” Martín says. “Seems like Lampard and Terry had their say in this.”

“Or they though this school needed another sex symbol after Torres!” Nando says. “One has to think about the unicorns, imagine how lonely they are…”

“When do we have the Care of Magical Creatures?” Luis asks.

“Tomorrow. Today a test in Potions and tomorrow Mr. Curly, we can’t survive this!” Nando sighs.

A group of Slytherin girls pass them by.

“Girls, do you think it’s too late to take Care of Magical Creatures?” one of them asks. “I mean, maybe if I asked Guardiola…”

“Yeah, we could change Astronomy for it. What is Astronomy for, anyways!” another one agrees.

“But there will be nobody left in Astronomy if you leave,” Irina Shayk says. “And I’m sure it will piss Ramos off.”

“Who cares?” the first girl snorts. “Last lesson Ramos didn’t even notice he didn’t uncover the lens of his telescope. I’m sure he won’t notice when we leave.”

***

The test Mourinho gives them is of course awful. Even Cristiano is looking nervously around him, like the answers are written somewhere on the wall.

“Where do you get the werewolf hair from…” Martín whispers. “Can I write ‘Silva’s office’?”

Nando giggles and catches the paper with answers Sofia let flying over the classroom. Mourinho is staring at something in the Daily Prophet and doesn’t seem to be aware of anything that’s going on in the classroom.

João pokes at Fábio and hands him a paper. Cristiano watches in disbelief and kicks Marcelo’s leg.

“What?” Marcelo hisses.  
  
“Give me the answers!” Cris says.

“But I don’t know any!”

“Idiot!”

Mourinho looks up from his papers and gives them a warning look. “Five minutes!” he announces.

“Professor!” Luis yells suddenly. “My owl fell into your cauldron over there!”

Mourinho rushes to the cauldron and pulls Luis’ owl out.

“It must have fallen asleep after the sedatives…” Luis explains.

“I warn you, Suárez!” Mourinho says. “You will lock the bird up for twenty-four hours or else…”

The owl suddenly wakes up, sits on Mourinho’s shoulder and nabs at his ear lovingly. Martín and Nando almost fall off their chairs.

“Well…” Martín says. “Seems like the love potion is popular even with owls…”

“The question is, though…” Nando says. “Why was Mourinho brewing a love potion?”

***

The Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson is strangely quiet. It’s obvious that the students have many questions to ask, but nobody dares to. Finally Nando raises his hand. Silva looks at him. “Yes, Mr. Muslera?”

“Do you have to be a Death Eater to conjure the Dark Mark?” Nando asks.

“Not really,” Silva says. “Mostly the Death Eaters know how to cast the spell, but some other people know it too. It’s an incantation.”

“What incantation?” Martín asks curiously.

“An incantation you’re not supposed to know.”

“But you know how to do it?”

“Boys,” Silva narrows his eyes. “Are you trying to talk me into conjuring the Dark Mark here?”

“No!” Martín assures him in a way that reveals that actually it’s exactly what they are trying to do.

“Fine,” Silva says. “Because it’s against the law, and if Professor Guardiola saw a Dark Mark behind his window, I think he wouldn’t be very happy. Better go back to practicing your Patronus spell. With the recent events, we can expect the Dementors to visit us soon.”

A few minutes later, the classroom is full of silver animals floating in the air. It’s incredible how fast they’ve learned to cast the spell properly, while with Professor Torres all they’ve ever seen was Professor Torres’ Patronus (if the strange silver shape could even be called Patronus).

Diego Godín’s Patronus is of course a big toad. Martín watches his silver wolf with satisfaction, until Luis asks him if his Patronus is a wolf because he’s got a thing for Professor Silva. “It’s probably because I have to go to his office for the cards thing and I can’t stop thinking about it,” Martín says.

“I’m sure you won’t end up worse than Agger,” Nando giggles. “Just don’t tell him Guardiola is about to fire him.”

***

They go to visit Forlán in the hospital wing after the last lesson.

“I can’t believe I missed the Potions test!” Forlán laments. “Was it difficult?”

“As usual. Actually more, because Mou is still pissed off!” Martín says. “By the way, we have a new teacher for the Care of Magical Creatures.”

“Who?”

“Professor David Luiz,” Diego says. “Apparently the Ministery sent him.”

Forlán looks around nervously. “Don’t you have the Care of Magical Creatures textbook here, anyone?” he asks. “I should study some more, I don’t want to embarrass myself at the first lesson.”

“Yeah, and do you want some caffeine pills with it?” Diego asks. “I warn you, Forlán, if you’re not ready for the match on Saturday because you’re an insupportable nerd, I will bury you under the books in the library!”

“I think that sounds like a nice death for him, Diego!” Nando says. “I suggest burning the library instead.”

“NO!” Forlán yells. “Fine, fine, I’ll be ready for Saturday!”

***

When they come to the common room after dinner, Edi is hunched over the cards on a table and keeps mumbling “Oh, God, oh, God…” while scribbling something on a piece of parchment.

When he hands it to Martín, Martín reads it quickly, then his eyes go wide. “WHAT?” he yells.

“What’s up?” Diego asks.

“Silva’s cards,” Martín says, shaking his head.

“What about them?”

“Well, according to Edi’s interpretation of the cards…” Martín says and looks at them. “Silva probably used to be a Death Eater.”

***

"It makes sense!“ Edi says after everyone calms down a little bit. “You said yourself that he knows how to conjure the Dark Mark. He’s a werewolf. And remember when he touched Professor Carbonero in Hogsmeade? She freaked out completely!”

“Fine!” Luis says. “Six bottles of Butterbeer and twenty Chocolate Frogs to the one who sees Silva’s Dark Mark first!”

“It’s not a laughing matter, Luis!” Forlán frowns. “If he really was a Death Eater…”

“Then it’s past tense!” Martín shrugs. “I’d rather be taught the Defence Against the Dark Arts by a former Death Eater than by an idiot like Torres!”

“Some respect for your former teachers, Mr. Cáceres!” Silva’s voice sounds from the doorway.

Everyone jumps up.

“Aren’t you supposed to be in beds already?” Silva asks.

“Eh… yes, we’re on our way!” Martín says, grabs Nando and drags him to the bedroom.

“You have a plan!” Nando states when they reach the bedroom.

“Come on, six bottles of Butterbeer and twenty Chocolate Frogs sound good, eh?” Martín grins.

“So you want to just go to Silva and ask: ‘Hey, Professor, so how’s You-Know-Who been lately?’ or what?”

“Nope,” Martín smiles. “We won’t ask Silva. We’ll ask someone else.”

“Who?”

“Who is supposed to know everything?”

“Guardiola?” Nando tries.

“Um… yeah, he is supposed to know everything, but he knows less than Godín’s toad. I mean Carbonero.”

“Carbonero doesn’t like us.”  
  
“I know of someone she does like.”

“She supposes Edi doesn’t have to ask, because he’s a Seer, remember? It would be suspicious.”

Martín nods. “I didn’t mean Edi. There’s someone else who could get anything out of her.”

Nando thinks for a while. Then he grins. “Kjaer.”


	16. Unicorns

“I should ask her WHAT?” Simon Kjaer yells so loudly that Lionel Messi spills his pumpkin juice and Ángel Di María chokes on porridge.

“Listen, you don’t have to ask ‘Excuse me, don’t you by any chance know whether Professor Silva is a Death Eater or not?’, you can just ask why she freaked out in Hogsmeade!” Martín says.

“Why would I do that?”

“Come on, she likes you!” Nando whines. “Just make that puppy face and she’ll tell you everything!”

“She thinks you’re about to die soon, anyways!” Martín adds.

“Thanks!” Kjaer makes a face.

“We know you aren’t,” Nando assures him. “Just try to get something out of her! Twenty Chocolate Frogs, come on! We’re willing to share!”

“Fine, I might try something,” Kjaer sighs. “But if she starts hugging me, I’m leaving!”

***

By the time they arrive for the Care of Magical Creatures lesson, the new teacher is already waiting for them, holding the textbook. This is a new thing – Puyol looked like he had never even read the textbook.

“I’m David Luiz, your new Care of Magical Creatures teacher!” he says. “The Ministery decided that this subject had been taught too dangerously, and decided it needed to be put back into order. I can assure you that no Merpeople, Giant Squids or unattended Fire Crabs will be present in my lessons.”

“Edi will like him,” Martín whispers to Nando.

“Eh, professor?” Godín raises his hand.

“What?” Luiz asks.

Godín points at something behind Luiz’ back. “There are unicorns… and they’re staring at you!”

Luiz looks to the forest and rolls his eyes. “I told the stupid centaurs to make sure they behave. I wonder what Xavi is doing instead,” he mumbles. “Well, I’ve been told you’ve already had Flobberworms, so now we can move onto Salamanders.”

“I’d say he is boring,” Diego says. “But after Puyol almost drowned my Seeker, I think I’ll like him.”  

The lesson is calm, except for one little incident when a Salamander gets into Miguel Veloso’s pants. It provokes a huge banter and Professor Luiz has to run after Veloso who is sprinting away, yelling that “nobody else is getting in my pants”.

“I wonder when we go to our practice, if they’ll still be running around here,” Diego says.

 

***

 

On their way to the Divination lesson, most of the students are re-reading their homework.

“I don’t know if I should have written there that the plants will strangle Alonso,” Nando says. “What if they don’t? Am I going to fail?”

“You can always try to strangle him with a plant yourself. Then you won’t fail Divination… but probably you’ll go to Azkaban,” Martín says and winks at Kjaer.

Professor Carbonero then appears with a crystal ball and looks at the students in a way that’s supposed to be mystical. “I feel that not all of you have done your homework,” she says. “Mr. Agger, where is your homework?”

“I have just half of it…” Agger says. “Professor Mourinho kicked me out after that.”

Carbonero frowns and takes the parchment from him.

“Ma’am, I’m sorry, but my homework has a rather long paragraph about Professor Carroll’s hair,” Sofia says. “I wouldn’t write so much, but he insisted on me including it.”

“It’s alright,” Carbonero says. “Sometimes our future lies in unusual things… like hair.”

“Then you’ll have a great one!” Nando tells Martín and hands Carbonero his homework.

Martín hands her his and then looks at Kjaer. Kjaer raises his hand. “Eh… Ma’am?” he asks.

“Yes, darling?” Carbonero says in her sweet voice.

“I would like to ask you… if I could talk to you for a moment after the lesson.”

To Martín’s contentment, Carbonero looks very delighted. “But of course!” she says. “That’s what I’m here for!”

“Are you mad?” Agger hisses at Kjaer. “What do you want with her?”

Kjaer shrugs and eyes the crystal ball on their table skeptically.

“Well, and now…” Carbonero says. “Concentrate… open your inner eye…”

Some quiet snoring sounds from the corner of the classroom.

“Well, seems like Krohn-Dehli concentrates a bit too much!” Diego notes.

 

***

 

Nando and Martín are about to head to their practice when Kjaer runs after them.

“So?” Martín asks.

“It was some scary shit!” Kjaer says. “No way I’m talking to her ever again. She went on about some death and pain and fear stuff.”

“Sounds promising!” Nando grins. “So is Silva a Death Eater?”

“How the hell do I know?” Kjaer yells. “If ‘dark aura, darling, it’s like he’s breathing coldness, uh, it gave me nightmares’ means he is, then he is!”

Nando giggles at Kjaer’s imitation of Carbonero’s voice. Martín frowns. “That won’t convince Luis,” he sighs. “I think we need to think about something else.”

“What else?” Nando shrugs. “We’ve already tried everything!”

“Yeah, we need someone to help us think!” Martín nods. “But then we have to do a terrible thing.”

“What?”

“Tell Forlán about this.”

 

***

 

Diego is stepping impatiently in front of the changing rooms.

“Where were you?” he hisses at Martín and Nando. “For how long am I supposed to wait?”

“Hey, calm down, captain, it was important!” Martín says and goes to the changing rooms. He pokes his head out a second later. “Hey, we’re the first ones to arrive!” he says.

“So what? I will yell at the others even more!” Diego says.

Forlán rushes to the changing rooms a few minutes later with a stack of books borrowed from the library, Edi has to convince his fan club that they really cannot follow him to the changing rooms and Luis arrives with his owl attached to a chain, because as he explains: “It wouldn’t leave Mourinho alone, it seems like in animals the effects of love potion take longer to go away.”

It’s only Karina missing, and she runs in some ten minutes later. “Sorry, there was a meeting with professors,” she says. “Because of the events in Hogsmeade, you know. They are making sure no Death Eater gets in Hogwarts.”

“Well, considering that he’s probably already here…” Nando whispers to Martín.

When they walk out, there are Joao Pereira and Fábio Coentrao on the pitch.

“Hey!” Diego calls. “Take your date elsewhere, we have to train here!”

The two giggle and disappear somewhere near the lake.

“Fine, and now try to concentrate on Quidditch!” Diego says. “The match against Hufflepuff is super important. Hufflepuff made idiots out of Slytherin.”

“It was because Shayk was the Keeper and Ronaldo forgot to read the instructions for his broom,” Martín snorts.

“But Messi knows how to use his broom, and there’s no Shayk!” Diego snaps. “What… what the hell is going on in the Black Forest?”

Everybody turns around. David Luiz is sprinting away from the forest, followed by three unicorns and Xavi the centaur. The team heads in that direction. Xavi finally manages to stop the unicorns and convince them to go back to the forest.

“Are you alright, Professor?” Karina asks Luiz, who is looking at his torn robe in shock.

“They were saying weird things…” he whispers. “Something about my hair and Torres and…”

“I think we should call Nurse Shakira and Guardiola,” Diego says. “Seems like we’ll be without the Care of Magical Creatures teacher again.”


End file.
